وتبقى كما شاء لي حبنا أن أراك..

الحتة اللي إنت مش فاهمها..إني مكنتش عايزة أنساك زي ما عادي بأعمل مع أي حد بيمشي. أنا مكنتش عايزة "أتخطاك" و"أتجاوز" وانسى شكلك وصوتك ..وأفقدك! مش عشان مقدرش..لأ!! ببساطة مش عايزة. إنت الوحيد اللي احتفظت بيك زي ما إنت... كل اللي أنا عملته اني شيلت كل حاجة وحشة حصلت..كل لحظة زعل.. وحطيتها على جنب واتبخرت مع الوقت. كأن كل ده محصلش...كأن متوجعناش..كأن بنحب بعض حب أبدي محدش يعرف يمسكه ويقتله تاني. بص، حب من بتاع رفعت اسماعيل وماجي .. "للأبد؟/ ماذا؟/ ستظل معي للأبد؟/ حتى تحترق النجوم.. وحتى..."*! بحبك، لحد "حتى" اللي مبتخلصش ابدًا. بحبك حب بعيـــد محدش يعرف ياخده مني ويوجعني. ابدًا. عشان كدة معملتش زي ما بعمل-إني أقتل كل حد افترقت عنه في دماغي. ماقتلتكش جوايا. بالعكس، أنا حطيت ورود كتير حوالين اسمك وصوتك وملامحك..وكل معلقة ايس كريم اتلحوسنا بيها..وسيبتك أمور اوي، وخبيتك فوق جنب القمر. وخبيتك جوا جوايا. في الوقت اللي كان لازم اسيبك تتسرسب فيه من روحي .. كلبشت فيك بدراعاتي بزيادة، زي أي عيلة صغيرة خايفة تتوه من باباها. خايفة أتوه! تاني، أنا بحبك حب أبدي..زي ما البطاطس بتحب تكون بالطحينة، وزي ما الشيكولاتة تحب تكون بالبندق، وزي ما السما بتحب القمر وتحضنه جواها. مش فارق المسمى..المهم إني بحبك، حتى لو مشيت ونسيتني و"تجاوزتني"..حتى لو قتلتني جواك. المهم، دلوقتي مش ح أحط ليستة لمسحك من جغرافية روحي ... حتى لو الدنيا كلها مفهمتش أنا ليه بعمل كدة، بس إنت عارف إن أنا مش عايزة تاخدني المراكب وإنت مش راكب**.أصل الوقت اللي ح تتفتفت فيه جوايا..أنا مش حلاقيني. أنا لسة عايزة اصحى على عالم كتبك فيه في مكانها، قهوتك إنت بس اللي بتشربها، سيجارتك مش مطفية، والضحك لينا.. وحواديتك مابتخلصش.. وأرقام تليفونك صوابعي حفظاها! أنا عايزة عالم لسة ايدي تلاقي كفك وتحضنه.. واستخبى فيك...حتى تحترق النجوم، وحتى....ه

تمت

__________

أحمد خالد توفيق، ما وراء الطبيعة*

تنويعة لبيت لبهاء جاهين من قصيدة "الأرض زهرية فاضية"ه**
العنوان: قصيدة "أحبك أكثر" لمحمود درويش***

A Tune..

In Need for a Pause!

I miss being "at home"

These days I totally miss being in the comfort zone of home. To feel more relaxed.and have more of my own space...I started to feel am not having much of the space I need and I can move within... I feel I'm limited and restricted in a way...

I miss being around my comfy horizon..

and I miss not worrying about every single detail...

I need few days of good pampering..to recharge and get back strongly.

I need one day to depend on someone..for all the lousy, trivial, details.

I need to lean my back and close my eyes..that's all..for a day..not worrying about grocery, cooking, laundry, work, studying, dish-washing, errands to bank, post office, bus schedules, crammed books not read, and the load upon my back.

That one sole day.

Stay Connected..

THIS keeps us alive!

شكرا للخارجية المصرية!!

قصة حقيقية..ده تقريبا اللي حصلي..فشلت اتعامل مع البريد السريع..لأنهم قالولي ح يوصل يوم الاربعاء..! السفارة تبعد عني 4 ساعات سفر..احنا في أجازة ..مش بسهولة عرفت أوصل لمكتب البريد

لو كنتوا مش عايزينا نصوت..بتسمحوا بالتصويت ليه بقى؟

وهل حتكرروا السيناريو بنفس العته في الانتخابات الرئاسية؟؟

Refreshing the Memory..

A Reminder: "Try to Fly with Hope!"

Belongs to Tahrir..

I only sleep..when things get calmer in Tahrir.

When twitter is no longer showering hundreds of tweets with all news

And when Facebook is calmer and people are just calm and asleep..

Then, I can be pacified and sleep.

I wish I can be there..

....

وتعيشي يا ضحكة مصر

على هامش الثورة

احساس العجز وقلة الحيلة ..ابن ستين كلب. الغربة بتوجع..والميدان في القلب. السبع ساعات فرق التوقيت بتخلي متابعتي للي بيحصل اسوأ فاسوأ..بأقضي ليلة طويلة ما بين الضرب ع المعتصمين بالليل..وشوية الصمت على تويتر..وبعدين فيضان مفاجئ بتاع الصبح الاستغاثات ان الناس تنزل..وانا كل اللي بعمله "شير" و "ريتويت" .عشان بعدها أصحى ألاقي كمية مهولة من الأخبار لازم استوعبها في ساعة لكل اللي حصل في اليوم وأنا نايمة في اخر العالم. بتعب ودماغي بتتشل..وببقى حتخنق..فأخرج، وبتجنن اني بعدت عن الأخبار..وأرجع من تاني أتابع كله وأنا نفسي ح ينقطع من كل ده! وبرضه الاحساس بالعجز ينقط
هنا ولا حد داريان..ولا حد حاسس..وأنا قلبي في الميدان ـ أقول ما انا لو كنت في مصر ما يمكن مكنتش اعرف اروح لأنهم مرديوش يسيبوني أروح...- قال يعني بأصبر نفسي- بس أرجع واقول: استحالة كنت أكيد ح اعرف أروح...وميبقاش كل اللي بعمله شير ورتويت
احساس العجز ابن كلب
وقلة الحيلة بنت ستين كلب
والغربة بتوجع
والميدان واحشني

..

يسقط يسقط حكم العسكر

بكتب حياة تانية لأوطاني*

الشعب يريد الورد في البساتين
الورد يريد الشعب في الميادين

-أمين حداد-

____

العنوان: للأبنودي

My Status..

E.T. Phone Home!

Just for the record..

So as not to forget:

Yesterday, I dreamt I was back home for one day..one single day I surprised my family, stayed with them, met my friends and colleagues..and was with them, and was planning for going away again...One day...I hugged Heba, talked to my dad, visited work, talked to friends...and was home..

Sunday, 13th Nov. 2011

Getting it Out..

If you do not create your own Eid in here..you'll never have it, nor savour. That's why on "Yawm Al Waqfa" and the last fasting day, I invited a lot of people, dorm residents, students to join a big Eid dinner. I wanted to have Eid. Balloons, decorations.. and cooking all night and day things I've never in my life cooked before. In that day and a half, I learnt how to boil meat, make soup, make Fatta' (though I never liked it and don't know how it taste actually like)..and other of things for 70 people..and learnt how mothers do a lot for holding a family Eid banquet...and also learnt how to feel joy among people..even if you never knew them before.

I learnt that day some people are truly sincere and want to share your joy of Eid.

I learnt on that day that some really wanna show you support.

and some people..don't want you feel alone by any means.

..and some don't bother much.

Tired and exhausted..I rested happily on Eid's eve.

Eid was less painful this year..at least I didn't cry in prayers like last Eid :D

We missed prayers..and had a re-do prayer..that was utterly awkward..(I don't know why men don't speak up in prayers after Imam saying "Amen" and Takbeerat out loud!!)

Went home, blown balloons, listened to Safaa Abo El So3oud..singing about a joyous Eid...and Eid was over by 12 pm. !!!

Despite all that...I had a long Eid day..that is so not felt in my silent, dull, campus room.

Eid is painful and hurts..

Facebook made it worse..it made you feel more alone..for having nothing to share...You have no friends, no family to be among with..and it's Eid..where everyone else at least has someone even if Eid sucks for them..they're not alone.

I escaped even my family..and didn't want to skype with them on Eid's day. (They asked me that since they're all gathering, they'd wait for me to skype, but I did not!) I sufficed with a phone call.. and that's all. I hated the notion that they were all gathered (grandma, grandpa, uncle and his wife and kids, my parents, sisters) and they all wanna make me feel how distant I am from them..through stupid skype. I lied..I was at home, I could have skyped with you..but I chose not to..because I knew it will hurt me more.

Instead of crying..and suffocating in my room..where Safaa Abo El so3ood and balloons failed to cheer me up..I went aimlessly out..on a long shopping trip..to spend the day..and preferred to spend it alone in big stores and as a stranger on a bus, rather than a stranger among people I know.

Eid is flavorless in here..

It is americanised..with muslims and Egyptians whose only connection with Egypt is a gold pendant with a Quranic verse and a blue eye for defying envy.

You spend it with people who consider being Egyptian is something exotic to mention in a conversation to add a mysterious, fascinating aura around them.

You spend it with people who hardly speak Arabic..and their concern who they'll vote for in the U.S. elections.

You spend it with people who either never visited their countries or when they do visit it..they visit it as tourists simply..

But at least you spend it with somebody.

I'm so glad that Eid is over. I dislike Eid in here..

and this Eid..I surely didn't feel it..didn't feel it at all.

It's not over. Eid just never came.

مصر الجميلة اللي زي القمر

.
.
أفوتك بعافية وأسافر وأجيلك
يا دافية ..يا صافية..وقلبك دليلك
سماكي وهواكي..وأرضك ونيلك
شتاكي وصيفك ..وشمس تناديلك
ده جنب ده..ده جنب ده
حضنك يا مصر اللي ساع البشر

.


_____
اسكندريلا، شعر أمين حداد
العنوان: من نفس الأغنية*

فيها حاجة حلوة..

The Things that the U.S. does not- cannot- have ..and will never redeem:

بياع الفل في اشارة روكسي واشارة رابعة
فطار الجمعة الصبح في شبراوي ارابياتا
الكوربة بليل
النيل في كل وقت..وكل ساعة..ومن كل زاوية
التمشية في الزمالك بليل قبل حفلة علي الحجار في الساقية
براح جامع الأزهر
صوت أم كلثوم طالع من شارع المعز
ريحة بحر اسكندرية
زحمة عباس العقاد عشان لبس العيد
تمشية وسط البلد بكتاب جديد من الشروق وايس كريم من العبد
اسكندريلا في مسرح الجنينة
غزل بنات في حديقة الأزهر
صلاة العيد في جامع مصطفى محمود
العيد في بيت جدتي
السينابون مع عزة
رفعت اسماعيل
كلاكسات الأهلاوية بعد الماتش في شارعنا
سندوتش البطاطس بالطحينة والسلطة من التابعي
بمب العيد
عناب ع البورصة
كوباية شاي بالنعناع
فنجان قهوة تركي في بينوس
الدفا

_____
العنوان: أغنية لريهام عبد الحكيم

A Companion..

The best Friend..on Crappy Nights!

On being a Minority..

So..It's kinda hard when you're the minority. You do not find that silent support of people of your own religion, sect, who share your same holidays, beliefs, and all. And by time, it is hard to keep your rituals going smoothly..where your whole support system is no longer there. No one looks like you, no one shares your own prayer times, fasting days, holidays..Your rituals are no longer special in the world, but they're only special in your heart.

Eid is coming to a society that hardly knows what Eid is.
The 10-days- of fasting now..no one shares their flavour.

and I sit by the laptop, play Athan at Maghreb time...and fight the sensation that you're doing this alone. Because what consoles really the soul..is that there are millions out there in the world..at that particular moment, are breaking their fast, awaiting Eid..and making plans for it..and praying God All Mighty, to have mercy on their tired hearts and souls.

May we all be blessed. :)

..and am painted black..

For tonight..I utterly feel lost.
Am all dressed for going out..but I literally dunno where to.
I don't care about the work I have to finish tonight..
I don't mind the rain that's pouring outside.
Indifference.
I just feel like doing something 'am not sure what's that!
I miss my mum.
I miss my friends.
I feel lonely tonight..
Like
every
single
Night!
.
.
.
Tonight, I feel so lost!

I feel like I should go somewhere..but I really dunno..what exactly that is!
____
Title: From song, "Falling Slowly"

Light will ignite your bones..

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach..
So She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-Paradise
Every time she closed her eyes.

When she was just a girl,
She expected the world.
But it flew away from her reach ,
And the bullets catch in her teeth.
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night ..the stormy night, she'll close her eyes
In the night.. the stormy night, away she'd fly
And dream of
Para-para-Paradise, Para-para-Paradise


And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "Oh,I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-Paradise

___

Coldplay's new song: Paradise
Title: is another Coldplay's song: Fix You

YOU are greatly missed..!

فيه ناس..سايبة خرم كبير في روحي
كبير اوي كمان . .
ممكن تيجوا بقى؟

هون يا ليل غربتنا..

بأنبسط أما بشم ريحة السجاير

بتفكرني بيك

.

.

وحشتني يا بابا
.
.
(بي اس: نفسي ابطل عياط اول ما اقفل السماعة بعد ما أكلمك)
__
العنوان: أغنية لمنير..اللي بابا علمني أحبه

I Wait!

صارت رحلة زيارة صندوق البريد...محبطة

قاسية

.

.

____

Title: from the movie, "The Terminal"

Status Quo..

.

.

.

وحدة

جوا

الوحدة

.

.

.

ChanginG..

تتحول انتصاراتي اليومية الصغيرة الى نجاح طهي الأرز(من غير ما يتعجن) او ان امشي بسلاسة بين أبنية الجامعة العتيقة دون خرائط. أتحول ببطء الى نموذج المرأة العاملة..التي تطبخ ليومين او اكثر. أعد الطعام ..ثم أقسمه لليوم والغد بعد ان اشتريت علب حفظ الطعام البلاستيكية..لأنني في اليوم التالي سأكون منشغلة جدا ولا وقت لدي لفعل أي شئ!! أتوقف عن شراء الفاكهة لانها تفسد سريعا..لأنها لي فقط! صرت اشتري كل شئ بكميات قليلة جدا..فأنا اطبخ لشخص واحد..وحيد! صرت أعرف الأسعار وأقارن ما بين هذا السوبر ماركت وذاك.. وانا المبذرة تماما التي كانت لا تهتم. تغيرت الان. وأشعر الان بمعاناة أمي وسؤالها الوجودي اليومي: (ح تاكلوا ايه بكرة؟) كل يوم يشغلني هذا السؤال لما سأعده وأطهيه وهل لدي مكوناته وأعرف وصفته وهل استطيع الحصول على الوصفة من أصدقائي، او حتى أخترع شيئا ما..لكن دائما هو السؤال: ح ناكل ايه بكرة؟!َ أبتاع الصواني الفويل والاطباق الفوم والمعالق البلاستيكية حتى أتخلص منهم فورا بعد الاستخدام هربا من غسيل الصحون! (أكره المطبخ المشترك في السكن لأني موسوسة و "إنفة".. وكسولة احيانا..ومنعزلة ايضا). والان أكره غسيل الملابس- مثل أمي تماما ولكن لأسباب مختلفة.. فالعملات الفضية الصغيرة تجميعها صعب بشدة. ولكن رحلة "اللوندري" او غسيل الهدوم..ورائحة الغسيل المنعشة بعد التجفيف (والكثير من الدعاء ألا ارتكب خطأ ما فيفسد كل شئ!) هي من انتصاراتي الصغيرة أيضا. حتى الخروج ليلا، بدأت اعتاده.. أعتاد الان السير في طريق الغابة (طريق مختصر يصلني بمركز الجامعة مليئ بالأشجار والسناجب)...أعتاد الخروج ليلا رغم تحذير الاصدقاء، ورغم خوفي.. أعتاد تفقد صندوق بريدي يوميا دون ان أجد رسائل..ودون أن أحزن لذلك (ستصلني رسالة جديدة من مصر.. صرت أعد نفسي). أعتاد . أعتاد فرق التوقيت - ست ساعات- تفصلنا تماما. اعتاد اننا لا نتحدث بعد الساعة الثامنة مساءا بتوقيت هنا..لانها الثانية صباحا بتوقيت هناك! أعتاد فكرة الـ "هنا" والـ "هناك"!أعتاد استخدام "سكايب" والمحادثات التي لابد ان تنقطع لان الانترنت سخيف بشدة.. أعتاد الان استخدام حمام السكن المشترك -الذي أكرهه تماما بالمناسبة. بل واعتدت ايضا ركوب الباص للذهاب إلى أي مكان فقط لاقراء "رحلة" رضوى عاشور بجانب الشباك (لدرجة اني اتصاحبت على اكتر من سواق/سواقة أو على الاقل عارفنني كويس دلوقت). صرت أعتاد كل هذا وأكثر. حتى الصمت طوال اليوم..اعتدته. وكذلك الأمطار اليومية والرطوبة والجو المتقلب..والمظلةالتي صارت جزء من ذراعي لا يفترقان ابدا. ه

أعتاد الغربة..فتصبح مألوفة الان.اعتاد الغياب..والبكاء المكتوم كل ليلة دون سبب وأنا استمع لحلقات "فريندز" على جهاز الكمبيوتر حتى أنام! ا

Miles ...in Between!

Why sitting in the bus stop..makes you wonder on how many miles separate you from Home! And How this Home carries all that You Love! And How ..at this very moment...where you're just sitting in a bus stop alone, you wonder...where you are..and where they are right now! And neither the phone, nor all the food you're buying for a lonely dinner..will bring them for you! How different times zones are! How the Moon greets me here, and the Sun is ready to wake you up there! How many miles separate us..and with all these miles..with every bit of them..I love you!

____

Dedicated to "Home" (with all its meanings!)

. . .

.

.

.

وبس

Knowing the Way..!

Today's Victory: Walking around without a map! :)

هلاوس...

انا مبتكلمش عربي/مصري...غير ع الفيس بوك والمكالمات الخطف اللي غالبا بتقطع!!ا

عايزة ارغي مع حد ببساطة بالهجايص بتاعتنا دي واحنا في الباص ورايحين السوبر ماركت ونتريق ع الحاجات!! ومش عايزة اكتب انا عايزة اسمع واتسمع!! ح تنقط!! انا العربي بتاعي قرب يبقى مكسر !!!ا

:D

مش ممكن كل ما اشوف حاجة عايزة اعلق عليها ادور مالقيش حد جنبي

اقولهاله!!ا

Random Thoughts on الغربة!

* When I saw the international music section..I rushed to it..may be I'd even see Amr Diab whom I don't much like (except for the oldies!!)..or anyone familiar..but searching in all that's "international"..I didn't find any Arabic thing in there..not even belly dance music!!

*Seeing Sheesha (Hukka) places..makes me smile..though I don't smoke in the first place! It reminds me of DownTown (wust el balad) and "el Borsa" :)

*The Pharaonic cards I saw in the bookstore..are just :) :) :)

*Not finding any book on Islam in the religion section ..reminds me how I'm from the minority now.

*Those who just greet me with "Assalmu Alikom" make my day. (please do that more often, it doesn't make me feel like am alone in this world!!)

*Sitting in the bus stop, reading an Arabic book, makes me think what in the world those around me think of me now reading a "weird" book from right to left :D! (Appreciate the little details)

*I haaaaaaaaardly see any veiled women here...and I just walk with total confidence, like I'm not the strange one over here.

*Putting my prayer rug in the room, and just pray..it crosses my mind how like may be this is the only time this spot will witness "sujood" here..! (Don't take your prayers for granted..:) )

*In the bookstore, when I saw "Al Baradei's" book..this made me just stand infront of it..and finally say I just saw a familiar face at last..and departed with a smile! (Though am not a big fan of AlBaradei!! )

*I haven't known I love Egypt that much. I mean I always loved it..and appreciated its details and everything..but when the Revolution took place..I thought that was ALL the LOVE I have for Egypt..I cannot even Love it more..! NOW, I surely discovered another level of love for her..and her people, streets, and details..!!

*Seeing a banner stuck on a car of "COEXIST" and seeing the Crescent as a sign of Islam among other signs...while heading to the bus stop, which I mark by a jewish temple where I wait and greeted with a smile by people passing me by... makes me feel at peace.

بجد بجد..

بكل تفاصيلك..وحشتيني

(اوي..)

_____

No where is safe like HOME! (i.e. My Egypt..I miss you with all your details)

Contagion...Really??

When I first saw the poster for "Contagion"..I was like "WHAT??!!" Those brilliant actors ALL in ONE Movie? That must be something..

Once it was out..I was there in the theaters..waiting to be WOWed!

However..I wasn't the least!

The execution was very poor..and you feel plot-lines were left without being fully accomplished!

Marion Cotillard is abducted..and we forget all about her for a while, dunno anything about her life in that village with those kids..and when she appears once more.. You cannot really understand why she sympathises with them that way? and even her way of showing sympathy was like..weird!!

Then there is Gwyenth Paltrow..(Beth) who we know she cheated on her husband and that was supposed to be highlighted to know what happened to the guy she met..They mention that as if we already know all about it! (I don't care about why she cheated..but rather what happened to the guy? was he infected? when did he die? They don't say anything about him!)

Every plot-line is executed poorly..and you feel like there are many cut scenes for some reason..and you don't feel wholeness of the movie!

However..Jude Law did a good job there..

It's very disappointing for me to say..Contagion, you were a let down. A good idea, but..is that the best you can come up with..with such a cast?!!

Cairo Time..

رغم اني مبشربش شاي اصلا

الا ان واحشني منظر كوباية الشاي بالنعناع على حرف ترابيزة باصة ع النيل

!!

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*Title: is a very interesting movie about Cairene life of the same name!

Fun Facts!

شوية ملاحظات سريعة ما بين هنا وهناك!! - وأغلبهم عن الشيكولاتة بما اني مدمنة!! :)ه

مقيش لا فانتا ولا ميرندا ولا بالتفاح ولا باليوسفي ولا الدلع ده!!-انما عندهم كراش! اي والله كراش بتاعة زمان دي!

شيكولاتة جالاكسي..اسمها دوف هنا!! ومش حلوة!

كادبري هنا..خرافة!

الشيبسي هنا وهمي! انا مش ح اعرف اكل شيبسي تاني في مصر عااا

معندهمش شيكولاتة "مارس"!! بديل مارس Three Muskteers

شيكولاتة مارس اللي باللوز النادرة عندنا في مصر...اختها هنااللي باللوز الجديدة دي سموها سنيكرز

الفاكهة بلاستيك!! شكل يفتح النفس..الطعم من غير مبيدات مسرطنة منيل!

المانجا هنا وحشة اوي! محرومين من اللحوسة!

مفيش عصاير زي عندنا! متلاقيش عصير اناناس ..عصير جوافة..عصير مانجا..! هو عصير البرتقان المشروب الرسمي هنا..وبصراحة هو فريش جدا

ملقتش ديتول!! بخ اختفى

هي مصاصة تشوباتشوبس راحت فين هنا؟

الشيكولاتة البيضا نادرة ..وفي الأغلب بتكون مستوردة

مالتيزر مش موجودة

شيكولاتة "باونتي" مش موجودة..وليها بديل امريكي! بس كدهون

مفيش قطط! مفيش قطط في الشارع!! انا نسيت شكل القطط!

نادرا اما تسمع كلكس!! نااادرا

السينما مش بتختار الكراسي فيها!! سداح مداح كدة

تستجري عربية تتجاوز الاتوبيس اللي موقف الشارع عشان بيركب حد؟ ولا تقدر اصلا

مبيسهروش! ع الساعة 10 كله بيقفل! حتى السوبر ماركت ومحلات الاكل! كئيبة بالليل

مصر أدفى..مصر أدفى تماما!

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السؤال اللي بيطرح نفسه..هو ليه الحاجات اللي احنا عارفينها انها امريكاني..بتتصدر لنا..وهما ملتزمين بأقل من اللي بيتصدرلنا بكتير..وبيعتمدوا على منتجاتهم اكتر!! هو احنا ليه بيتصردلنا الهيافة اصلا بس؟!!

هابي نيو يير يا عم سعيد..

وده بمناسبة ان كل حاجة ملطشة معايا اليومين دول!

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افرجها علينا يا رب

And She Fights for her Life..

Every day is a new struggle..

Going out of the room is a struggle..

a big adventure to do!

Going outside to the kitchen is a struggle..

Pushing myself out of my little world that I created in my room..is a Huge Step!

Taking the decision of leaving my comfort zone and go fix something to eat in a shared kitchen is a challenge to me! (mingling and being accepted is something that hinders me a lot from taking the initiative!)

To go to a shared bathroom with no locks, and not a beautiful one even...is a struggle!

To get outside to a place I have no friends in...is something I go daily through!

To hear no language of yours..though you speak their language perfectly..doesn't help much!

Your many obsessions that you're the one who's different..and if you're accepted or not among them..haunt you!!

The Challenge to go out..take the bus, and mingle in a world I know nothing about..is a daily fight!

The choice of staying in my room (my new comfort zone) and eat anything rather than cooking..is very easy to do. Using disposable plates, cups, and even spoons and forks..so as not to go out and wash couple of dishes...makes it even easier to hide and stay alone even more..and not mingle. Watching "Friends" instead of walking out...is not coping. Setting your laptop's time and date according to Cairo's time is definitely not adapting...

And still..

I try to take the bus and sit with a smile on my face alone..watching the surroundings..

I try to push myself to go and don't be shy..and stand in the kitchen and fix a lousy dish..with utmost confidence.

I still try to have discussions and get along..

I try

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P.S. It's not about I want to go back home! It's simply..being alone..Not encouraged..Not finding support and a push-forward but my own inner self that has along debate with my other self ..and they fight each other..and I -amidst all this- I try to survive!

الوحدة تضرب حتى النخاع

اكتشاف..

الطبخ...مبيحبش انه يكون لطبق وحداني

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وفردت بعادك..شراع*

أنا بكره الـ6 ساعات فرق التوقيت ما بينا

أكتر من الـ 9،447 كيلومتر بكل اللي فيهم من محيط وبحور وقارة تانية اصلا

!!!

هو ليه ما شدناش سلك طووووويل وكوبايتين وألزق الكوباية على

ودني وأقدر اسمع كويس صوت البحر منها زي ما كنا عيال؟!!ا

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العنوان من أغنية لجمالات شيحة

Eid in here..!

So, whoever knows me ..knows how special Eid is for me..with its own family rituals! (Aren't we all so?) Eid involves buying new clothes, new nailpolish..spending Eid's eve at my grandparents' place.. going to Eid prayers with my grandpa to "Mustapha Mahmoud Mosque"..hearing "Takbeerat" all along our walk.. remembering my grandma's baked cookies and how we stick them with jam.. having breakfast all together..sitting in the balcony watching happy kids flying away their balloons, having a family-gathering-lunch.. blowing balloons..wearing the new clothes..and meeting friends!

All of this..vanished this year!

(My Alternative Eid)

This Eid..I had to substitute all of that! To find alternatives..even to the home-made cookies!And still being amid the hurricane-evacuation-chaos..I was in a hotel room..and was supposed to enjoy eid!!

Before evacuation, my initial plan was to buy new clothes, play eid songs in the dorm, spending it with the people living there..and baking our cookies -for the first time in my life..!

Now, everything has changed because of the hurricane..! I'm handcuffed in a room in a hotel in a different city!

(Islamic Center we visited on Eve of Eid to ask about Eid Prayers)

So, I had to come up with Plan C this time !!

Overcoming the sudden tears and depression fits..I bought different kinds of cookies..including oreo (I dunno how Oreo gonna compensate for out "kah'k and my grandma's pettitfour..but I couldn't think of anything else!!), bought balloons of different sizes and colours.. got decorations..and bought a new blouse and nailpolish!! We've (me and my Tunisian friend here) found an islamic center (the first I've seen since my arrival to the US.)..and I found something that I can relate to at last...and they'll be holding eid prayers in a showplace in the next morning! Now I felt I'm ready..and was back to the Eid Cheerful Mood!

(My new stuff for Eid, just as my lill sis Heba and I used to do!)

Eid Morning: I played "Takbeerat El Eid" in the room while getting ready...and that got the spirit of Eid..! We arrived to show place at 9 am, paid "Zakat" and was sitting in a vast place at last..with the rows of brothers infront waiting for prayers and reciting Takbeerat along..and I was sitting with Muslim women and girls of all origins and nationalities...Pakistani, Indians, Syrians, Egyptians, Arabs, Americans, Africans, African-Americans..of every colours, background, and nationality...but all that gathered us now were new colourful clothes and Eid.

People were flowing in..and coming in big numbers..which was amazing for me..and felt like any big prayers at home! But, I was missing the sky! I didn't want a ceiling covering up all that beauty..I wanted our Takbeerat -and prayers- to be sent directly to the blue sky! I wanted whenever I raise my head up..to look onto the clear sky..not onto a roof! I also stopped looking at the banners inside that were putting the whole prayers out of context: You can see banners of other exhibitions of every other kind (military-patriotism thingie, animals exhibitions, etc etc)..I stopped looking that way too..I wanted to keep the last cheerful thought within me..so I concentrated on little kids with their cheerful clothes and feeling innocently happy..without knowing what "alienation, estrangement, missing, home country, far distance" is! All they know now..is being dressed up for a cheerful event!

(In the Showplace waiting for Eid prayers)

Prayers started by 10 am. when the Imam arrived! I then heard the first English Sermon...! and with people greeting one another for Eid..I then was broken-hearted! Not finding anyone of my family around to greet..started to ache my heart heavily..till I finally broke into a serious crying fit that went for quite a while! All I wanted then was just to greet them and leave..! I didn't mind spending Eid alone..as much as I minded not being with them for 5 min. after Eid prayers..and seeing the joy because of that.

A Note: Seeing how people took the effort of driving a long way, and dressing their little kids in new clothes, and take the pain to come to Eid Prayers...is nothing to be taken for granted! Despite how hard it is must have been for some, yet they came and rejoiced with their brothers and sisters who came from everywhere! This makes you appreciate more the blessings you have..! Alhamdulelah

(After Eid)

hmm..Now I still want to make "petitfour"..any recipes anyone? :))

Rejoice: This is My Eid song..I couldn't savour it then because of constant crying, but now we can:

العيد فرحة..وأجمل فرحة..يجمع شمل قريب وبعيد

Evacuation: Hurricane Irene!

So, I've been asked to evacuate my accommodation today for Hurricane Irene! Depressed as hell..for not knowing how it will be like ( I dunno what to expect ..I dunno what a hurricane is synonymous with for God's sake!)..I just had to leave!

I packed some clothes, my important papers..my favourite valuable stuff..(not valuable by money.. but valuable by closeness)..asked God to protect us..and left for a city nearby but more into the west.

It was crazy leaving the room..and putting stuff into the drawers in case water would come and flood everything else :DDD (I dunno what a hurricane will be like!) Should I expect broken windows, water..lost stuff..I really dunno!

I just packed and left..and my city was suffering from a very foggy, depressing sky...heavy rain..and very strong wind that's gonna blow trees down.

Hurricane Irene..please give us a break! I really dunno what to expect in the very long days awaiting me!!

Allah yostor

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The Photos are for the angry weather of my city..before I traveled and left it

It Struck me that...

I am no longer listed as in Egypt!

Briefing...

Since I arrived to the States..and I started bit by bit realising the big transition that I'm gonna undergo.. I was of course excited..anticipating...numb at times..and of course afraid! I realised what I have done..once I stepped into my big dull room..that I had called "the prison room"..The plain walls..and the empty room, the grey mattress of the bed! The bed that had no sheets, no blankets..The walls that were cold.. The floor that was all colourless..and two big suitcases of mine..resided there..and me in the corner had my first time of long crying fits! If it weren't to facebook, friends..and couple of stickers and my little friends I brought with me (namely Boogy w Tamtam, my little fanoos and smiley flower)..I would have definitely gone crazy!

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(The corner of Joy..the first few things I put infront of me..the first 10 min I was in my room for the first time- The corner of Joy now..always has chocolate and sweet things !)

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My first shopping trip - to the very famous Walmart- was definitely not for food..it was for STICKERS! Yep..I needed COLOURS to my room..bought a pinkish quilt..smiley stickers, butterfly stickers..and even sunflowers' stickers..to put those everywhere! Still, I refused to unpack! The denial phase was going on..I thought if I don't unpack my suitcases..may be I'll be going back home in the next few days...! So, I just didn't! and my room..wasn't warm still!
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(On Campus, on my very first arrival)

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Then from denial and refusing..to surrendering to the fact that this is my room for the coming while..this is the big kitchen I have to share in a dorm..and this is the life I have to lead: From a very pampered Hagar..to someone who buys forks, and spoons, spices and quilts, pots for cooking, to cleaning material, to thinking of what to cook..and what I may need.

*

(My desk with the tokens and books that accompanied me from Egypt)

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My first proud moment..was the laundry visit! :D The anticipating, worried look on my face that changed to a childish joy when I saw my clothes all washed up..and no colour-disaster took place..were worth shooting...! I was going back home with all my laundry dried up, smelling really good with my lovely detergent..and I was so proud of myself..that I've done that from A-to-Z! (No jokes here..we said 'am pampered!)

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(That's the dryer with my clothes inside..MY FIRST TIME EVER :D)
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My next proud moment..was when I had the public transportation round here..and went to continue my shopping on my own this time (before I had the luck of joining a very good Tunisian friend who helped/helps me around much, not to mention having Iftar with her-and not dining alone -saved me a lot from loneliness around here alhamdulelah)! I went shopping..had my first Amerian mobile number...and that's it..I was settling and coping..and at the end of the day..I had a colourful room..with fairies stuck on my wall, smiley faces to help me wake up every day and not to cry every night...and a desk with little tokens from people I love..and carried their hearts in my heart ..with me to U.S.A.! and Now..I unpacked..and my things, clothes..and life..are in a new room..new city, new country..very far away from Egypt! But now..I call this "home"..just to get used to it!

If I'm missing anything in this adventure..that would be my sister, Heba! I wished she was with me to join the adventure..and we'd go along...! But..who said she's far away..anyway..! :)

*

(One of the fairies that welcomes life..stuck on my wall..I have some of them up there with TinkerBell :) )

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At last..what I mostly like here..is that..with my Hijab..Arabs and Muslim Americans..recognise me as a Muslim..so they always stop me and greet me in Arabic with "Assalamu Alikom" and a sweet smile! This makes my day...for real!! So please, if you happen to see me around..walking from classes..or look all grumpy missing home..or carrying many bags from "Target"...just stop me and say "Hi"...It feels like you're never alone! :))

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(The Smiley faces all along my bed..and on the drawes as well..to remind me to Smile..)
*

p.s. When I knew I'm travelling..I promised myself to try to post sth. to record each day I'm living here..., and I will try to do so! I'd like to see from where I began and where to end!
*
p.s. 2 (Thanks to my friends..and their tokens..and those who visit me..and those who keep my company..and my friends' whose prayers are answered and God-sent angels come by to ease my day and colour it with a smile)

Ouch!

يخربيت الوجع
والتكّات الصغيرة اللي بتدوس على تعاوير مبتتقفلش
!

This Part of My Life is Called..Happiness! *

الضحك بيدوم..حتى لو لمينا كل الأطباق والشوك والكبايات المنتورة في الاوضة. وحتى لو وضبنا الدنيا..وحتى لو اخر حد روح اداك حضن طويل ومشي... برضه، الحضن بيدوم..والضحك بيلزق في القلب..والابتسامة بتفضل وانت بتغسل مواعين طول الليل بعد اللمة الحلوة

الصحبة دايما بتدوم
:)

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Title: From "Pursuit of Happynes"

Untitled...

Just her!

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:(

يوم بائس بجدارة
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افرجها يا رب

Panic Fits..

حالة طوارئ جيم..عندنا حالة طوارئ*
...
أنا خايفة

!

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من شركة المرعبين المحدودة*

يمكن..

المونيكير ذو الألوان الفاقعة....أحد طرق مقاومة العتمة
يمكن الروح تتلون!ه

...

بي اس: احتفظي دائما باللون الفوشيا لتستعيدي بعضا من طفولتك، والبرتقالي لاستدعاء الشمس،والأحمر لكسر كل الحدود

Trying...

اكتب كل التفاصيل..كل الاشياء الصغيرة والكبيرة التي يجب إتمامها في أقرب وقت! العدسات، النظارات الجديدة، طبيب الاسنان، أوراق، أختام والمزيد من الأوراق والأختام. اكتب هذا كله..وامتنع عن البكاء! أتمنى لو أمكنني كتابة قائمة موازية للمشاعر التي يجب "حذفها" هي الأخرى والانتهاء منها في جدول الأعمال! المشاعر لا تكتب. المشاعر تعبث بنا فقط في صمت مربك. المشاعر لا نقيدها في قوائم، فنحن لا نعرف لها تعريفًا من الأساس. لا نعلم مصدرها، وإن عرفنا ..فلا نجد لها علاجًا. ه

...

(مساحة من المشاعر ترفض التسجيل)

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واكتفي بكتابة قائمة من الاشياء التي يجب الانتهاء منها: الكتب، وزيارة الطبيب، وشراء حذاء بني جديد، و....لن أبكِ

A Sweet Pause...

A Momement and a Smile

:)

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Taken in Istanbul, Turkey..12th of July

وما خسرت السبيلا..

We WILL Fly....Some day, Some time, with some kind of miracle!

I Suppose!

But Now...We Wait! Just Wait!

Hang On...

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العنوان: لـمحمود درويش

ناقص حتة..

وكل ما أوزن

ألاقي لسة ناقصلي حتة

....

يبدأ الآن أو ينتهي

توجع قليلا

توجع كثيرا

سنصعد هذا الجبل

متعبين تماما

وحولي وحولك.. يأسان

يأسي ويأسك

رعبي ورعبك يا صاحبي

نحن لسنا جبانين

أو بطلين

ولكننا ولدان بسيطان

مثل مكاتيب فلاحة غربوها

بسيطان

مثل نعاس الرعاة ومثل العطش

بسيطان

كالعائدين من الحقل للبيت

كالعائدين من الويل للبيت

نحن بسيطان..يا ليت قصتنا مثلنا

الطريق إلى السهل ..هذا الجبل

الطريق إلى الأهل ..هذا الجبل

كل ما تشتهي.. كل ما أشتهي

يبدأ الآن أو ينتهي

والأمل ذروة اليأس يا صاحبي

الأمل

توجع قليلا

توجع كثيرا

توجع

فإن الأمل ذاته موجع..حين لا يتبق سواه

سنصعد هذا الجبل!ا

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قصيدة لـمريد البرغوثي

picture entitled: Beautiful Scary

سؤال وجودي..

يا ترى اللي بيعيش الزمن احنا
ولا الزمن هو اللي بيعيشنا؟
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علي الحجار