Monday, September 5, 2011

And She Fights for her Life..


Every day is a new struggle..

Going out of the room is a struggle..
a big adventure to do!

Going outside to the kitchen is a struggle..

Pushing myself out of my little world that I created in my room..is a Huge Step!

Taking the decision of leaving my comfort zone and go fix something to eat in a shared kitchen is a challenge to me! (mingling and being accepted is something that hinders me a lot from taking the initiative!)

To go to a shared bathroom with no locks, and not a beautiful one even...is a struggle!

To get outside to a place I have no friends in...is something I go daily through!

To hear no language of yours..though you speak their language perfectly..doesn't help much!
Your many obsessions that you're the one who's different..and if you're accepted or not among them..haunt you!!

The Challenge to go out..take the bus, and mingle in a world I know nothing about..is a daily fight!

The choice of staying in my room (my new comfort zone) and eat anything rather than cooking..is very easy to do. Using disposable plates, cups, and even spoons and forks..so as not to go out and wash couple of dishes...makes it even easier to hide and stay alone even more..and not mingle. Watching "Friends" instead of walking out...is not coping. Setting your laptop's time and date according to Cairo's time is definitely not adapting...

And still..
I try to take the bus and sit with a smile on my face alone..watching the surroundings..
I try to push myself to go and don't be shy..and stand in the kitchen and fix a lousy dish..with utmost confidence.
I still try to have discussions and get along..

I try
..
.
.

P.S. It's not about I want to go back home! It's simply..being alone..Not encouraged..Not finding support and a push-forward but my own inner self that has along debate with my other self ..and they fight each other..and I -amidst all this- I try to survive!
الوحدة تضرب حتى النخاع

4 comments:

Rosa said...

I didn't knew that you traveled abroad! where are you now? I hope that you are fine and that you'll cope soon.

wish you all the best in your life just don't surrender to this state of lonliness

Anonymous said...

ana 7assa bkalamek w kteer men elly btektebeeh bey3abbar 3an
7agat gowa bas bteb2a mghalwesha w m3aslaga 3andy
w lamma btektebeeha bashoofha bezzabt..thanks to u :)
PLEASE don't stop writing

Oh and u are not alone darling.. wallahy without even having met u in person,u have our LOVE and DUA with u..
as well as the love and duaa from those who miss u back home..I'm sure..

Please keep on trying..and I will keep on trying with u
isnt life all about trying?

nefsy awy arsem the biggest rainbow ever yemed men alby le
7aaaaad albek sis..nefsy..
tab 3arfah?
el alwan betdaffy shwayya ..
w betza2tat shwayeteen kida :)
tab teegy nersem?

Epitaph1987 said...

Rosa,
Yeah am in the U.S. for a month now..alhamdulelah
Thanks for your wishes and support! I hope so too, dear :))

Anonymous,
Your support wiped tears and drew a smile! :)) Rabna yatqbl mnk isA..and may God bless your kind heart! Amen ya Rab!
A Rainbow..yz2tet shwyteen talata arb3a..and colours DO warm the heart :))) yala nersem f3ln :)))
*Thank You* :)

حنين said...

طب أنا ح أطق دلوأتي جدا تماما لأني مش ح اقدر أكون موجودة هناك :(
وإني سايباكي لوحدك :(