Thursday, January 31, 2013


I spent most of the day consuming every minute in the kitchen. Cooked three different-new-recipes. I spent almost all day in the kitchen cooking and washing dishes, whipping cream, garnishing plates, and washing more dishes. And still all of this did not, absolutely not, help burying whatever that is hurting my soul. I surrender! 

I feel so worn out.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

And I'm painted Black..*

The pain this time was much more bigger..The Big question mark that cannot find quick answers, the blurry future, and the infamous "What have I done?" question just kept repeating themselves, and their echo did hurt. Uncertainty hurts. Past reminds and aches. The wish to escape all is both tempting and causing a lot of pain as well. The burdens, the questions, the answers that will never be revealed are getting heavier. I couldn't pour it all in scarf to be knit, nor in hours of cooking, I rather surrendered to the dementors that scare the soul. It's cold, this route is so obligatory and cold, and I'm scared. All terminology of pain are memorised by heart, and that's more scary. I'm so much handcuffed..I'm so much scared. Coldness is devouring me. The mind is puzzled, and the soul cannot believe. We've lost faith long ago. The route that you walk as half-a-believer makes the pain doubled. Where can we retain the hope? How can we wipe the tears that are shed for the unknown? How can we ease the pain the precedes the journey..though it didn't end yet? How can we BELIEVE that this is not an inevitable path, this is not the prescribed route, this can actually change? How can I make it change?! Does it even change? Will it even change? Can we..?!

*Title: from the song, "Falling Slowly"

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


الكوفيات بتدفي، بتدفي الروح أوي. وعشان كده دايما بنعمل الكوفيات ملونة جدا عشان دي أقرب حاجة بتطبطب علينا واحنا متكلفتين بيها. وهي الحاجة اللي يمكن بتزق شوية في عتمة الروح وتنادي ع الضيّ. ودي اللي بتخلينا نقاوم.. وهي حوالين رقبتنا كده، كأنها حضن في الأيام اللي ملهاش تلاتين لازمة والوحدة بتبقى فيها متبتة. دي الحاجة اللي وسط الخوف بنتعلق بيها وبنفتكر ان حد عملنا الكوفية دي وايده لسة فيها، صوابعه طبطبت ع  الخيط، ودلوقتي الخيط بيتصاحب علينا، فمنزعلش..ومنخفش، ولو شوية صغيرين. الكوفيات أصلا ونس.. عشان كده بنعمل كوفيات كتير ونديها للي بنحبهم، عشان ريحتنا احنا كمان تبقى فيها فيطمنوا. وبنشتري صوف ملون، ملون أوي عشان الألوان بتنفع في أيام البرد الباهتة. الألوان بتنفع، والكوفيات بتخاف علينا وبتتشعلق في رقبتنا ومبتسبناش لو الكون كله سابنا. صدقني، الكوفيات بتنفع.ه