Thursday, November 25, 2010

Cairo Time..

القمر من فرحنا ح ينور اكتر
و النجوم ح تبان لنا اجمل و اكبر
والشجر قبل الربيع ح نشوفه اخضر
واللي فات ننساه... ننسى كل آساه
يلا نلحق من الزمن أيام صفاه
دي الحياة من غير لقانا مش حياة
و احنا مش حنعيش، يا روحي، مرتين
أم كلثوم
Cairo Timeوالعنوان والصورة للفيلم
*When Um Kalthoum is the melody of a movie, a scene, and Cairene downtown!*

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

شكلني بطعم الأفراح..

-My drawing, one warm day, @ Razan's place-
For the memory of the 23rd of Nov. 2010

Friday, November 19, 2010

Scared to Wish..

You reach a point... where you're scared even wanting something..! You're scared to wish, to close your eyes, cross your fingers, and plead for something...! You're scared to believe that you can have something, you can reach it... that it can actually come true! You're scared to want anything...and you're even scared to pray for it... ! The fear of disappointment, pain.. haunts you! And You're surprised at yourself that you can't even dare to WANT, to WISH!

Dear God, the Merciful, the Benevolent, restore our urge for wishing, and make our dreams come true!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


العيد فرحة..وأجمل فرحة..تجمع شمل قريب وبعيد

Thursday, November 4, 2010

وأهجر غابة الأحزان...

استسلم لسماع أغنية لعلي الحجار اليوم. تباغتني..وأتوقف لثانية وأقرر أني لن أصمتها للأبد كما كنت أفعل! استسلم لاختيار قائمة الأغاني التي أتت بتلك الأغنية الآن! كنت قد حرّمت على نفسي أن استمع إلى وعوده، وحديثه عن "ضي الروح" وتلك الأشياء..لأنها تؤلم! أو الأصح،.. لأني توقفت عن تصديقه ... وتصديق الضي، وبكرة اللي بيجي أخضر، والكون الوسيع، والنجوم اللي بتتولد لأجل اللقا !!اليوم، استمعت إليك يا "علي" بإبتسامة طيبة، وبإشتياق لتلك العوالم التي ارتبطت بنبرات صوتك أثناء الغناء.. اشتقت لقائمة أغانيك على جهازي، واشتقت لوقوفك على هذا المسرح...ومشاهدتي لك بابتسامة عريضة تضئ وجهي، ونسمة هواء تتمايل لحضورك البهيّ!
وأملا الكون بأغانيا..ولو كان الجناح مكسور*
وحشتني يا علي
مستنية.. "تستكين الريح في قلبي..والأغاني تصيح"...ه
الصورة: من حفلة 2008، حفلتي الأولى له، والتي بدأها بإن بكرة جي أخضر،وانتي بتتبسمي
من أغنية: بحبك، وكذلك العنوان*

Monday, November 1, 2010


يأتي الشتاء ليذكرني بكوفيات لم أنتهي من غزلها! اخرجها من بين ملابسي، وهي متعلقة بالابرة المعدنية الطويلة كأنما تتعلق بآخر آمالها! أنظر إليهم بألوانهم الكثيرة المبهج منها والقاتم... وكيف أنهم نسوا شكل حركة الابر لتحادث الغرز! اعتذر للكوفيات الغير منتهية..وأعدهم بأني سأعود...لنبدأ من جديد!ا

Monday, October 25, 2010

الله كبير...

مهما يصير
انتظريني وضلك صلي
الله كبير



Thursday, October 21, 2010


Owen: I’m trying to love you. Why won’t you let me?
Cristina: Burke was a- He took something from me. He took little pieces of me, little pieces over time, so small I didn’t notice, you know? He wanted me to be something I wasn’t, and I made myself into what he wanted. One day I was me.. Cristina Yang, and then suddenly I was lying for him, and jeopardizing my career, and agreeing to be married and wearing a ring, and being a bride. Until I was standing there.. in a wedding dress with no eyebrows, and I wasn’t Cristina Yang anymore. And even then, I would’ve married him! I would have!! I lost myself for a long time. And now.. that I’m finally me again... I can’t!! I love you... I love you more than I loved Burke. I Love YOU!! And that scares the crap out of me, because when you asked me to ignore Teddy’s page, you took a piece of me, and I let you... And that will never happen again!


Owen: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know you were here.
Cristina: No. Wait, wait. I... love... you!
Owen: I love you too..
Cristina: No! Just... I.. LOVE... you! I said... I said "I love you"! Me, Cristina Yang.. ! You traumatized me.
Owen: You know that I'm so sorry about that!
Cristina: Damn it! No, not about the choking! It's like you come here, and you pull our my icicle, and you make me love you, and I can't... I don't want to. I can't breathe... without you.
Owen: You can do this Cristina. We can do this. All you have to do is just meet me half way. All you have to do is say yes. All you have to do is say.. YES!

Two different scenes from Grey's Anatomy

Pic. is from the movie, Cairo Time

Sunday, October 17, 2010

ومستحيل يا حزن راح تسكن...

شكلني بطعم الافراح

لوني بلون التفاح

وبطعم المانجا وكمانجة

تعزف لي ع الجرح ارتاح


مشيني على كفوف الراح

نسيني لو حلم وراح

واشمعنى المعنى بيعرفني لو باتت في قلوبنا جراح!!ا

(A note on the journey of Self-Recovery: Seize each feeling of revelation and every step forward ... you still may fall down again and go few steps backwards, but, for sure, you will be ahead towards the door of regaining yourself! Every small step counts. Rejoice it when it comes, and let it go!)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

!كرمالي..نيناتنا منعرف شو صار

Dear Little Flower that has withered,

You've lost your petals, if you didn't notice. You're all alone out there, in a burnt down meadow! It's a desert.. vast desert now, and you just lie there motionless. Can't you see the rainbow has left, the skies are all foggy and are no longer blue, even the green has escaped!!Colours are gone, and you just stay there.... all alone! The earth beneath you is all cracked and dry that promises no life. It doesn't rain anymore...and everything else just died! You're so pale, lost your green leaves... just a stem left , and a bud..and few withered petals still hanging on to you. The roots have been plucked, one after the other... however, your last remains still cause much disruption in the soul. Every storm has taken a part of you and left for good.. Every wind shook harshly your standing stem... why are you still there then?!!

Dear Little Flower that has withered, please decay.. you have already died if you didn't notice.

Die...let your ashes be swept away... carried far, far away by the wind... and I promise you,'ll be resurrected.




Title : from Fayrouz's song "Eh fi aml"

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A Melody...

*scene & melody from Cairo Time*

Saturday, October 2, 2010


They say lightning never strikes twice, but that is a myth. It doesn't happen often, lightening usually gets it right the first time. When you're hit with 30,000 amps of electricity .. you feel it. It can make you forget who you are. It can burn you, blind you, stop your heart.. and cause massive internal injuries. But, for something that happens in only a millisecond, it can change your life forever.
Lightning doesn't often strike twice. It's a once in a lifetime thing. Even if it feels like the shock is coming over and over again. Eventually, the pain will go away.. the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself. To recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. If you're in just the right place at just the right time.. you can take a helluva hit...And still have a shot at surviving.

Grey's Anatomy

Thursday, September 30, 2010


The Things 'am dying for in the very short coming days, weeks, or ..Ok.. Months!!:

1- To Know (I'd pay my life for a glimpse at a crystal ball!)

2- To Decide (and to trust my judgement, senses, and mind!)

3- To have Fayrouz's new album (I want her kind of HOPE!).

4- 2010 to freaking end (if possible, make it end NOW!).

5- To have a clear vision (I wanna SEE!)

6- To dare and learn driving b2a (It's SCARY! It's still SCARY!)

7- To study HARDER (Clock is counting!!).

8- To be on good terms with the few things that did hurt me before (Like Ali El 7aggar!).

9- To fully regain Belief (Magic will still exist!).

10- To be ME (and accept it).




(Pleaaaaaaaaase, Can I have those soon b2a?!)

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

محاولة تذكّر...

ليه ترسمي الكون الوسيع صندوق ورق؟
استسلمي واحلمي بكون جديد ومختلف
واللي نلاقيه هو المهم
وأي شئ بنخسره مهوش مهم
ومستحيل الحلم ممكن ينتهي
من غير وصال بين البشر
When those words suddenly struck me..just to remember!
محاولات علي الحجار للمصالحة

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Rising Slowly..

Take this skinking boat, and point it home,
We've still got time!
Raise your hopeful voice
You have a choice
You'll make it now!
Falling Slowly..
Eyes that know me..
and I can't go back!
Moods that take me, and erase me
and I'm painted Black!
You have suffered enough and warred with yourself
It's time that you have won!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Let the Healing Begin..!

When we say things like "People don't change!" .. it drives scientist crazy, because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy...Matter. it's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were.. instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories.. instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing.. despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it.. it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again!

Grey's Anatomy, Season 7, 1st episode, "With You I'm Born Again"

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


كان دائما ما يقول: «لماذا لم نلتقِ فى الوقت المناسب قبل هذا اليوم بخمسين عاما؟». وكانت تصمت أحيانا أو تبتسم ابتسامة مذنبة، أو تتمتم شيئا عن القدر والرضا بالنصيب، فيسكت مُحرجا. ينظر إليها فى خوف ويقول: «هل كان ممكنا أن نلتقى فى ربيع العمر ولا يقع أحدنا فى غرام الآخر؟». وكالعادة لا ترد. لا تعرف إجابات. كثيرا ما توجد أسئلة بلا إجابات.ه

كان مشهدهما معا يثير الشجون. يجلسان فى الحديقة الصغيرة الملحقة بدار المسنين، ينتحيان ركنا، ينفردان، يتهامسان، يبتسمان لمداعبات الزملاء فى بيت المسنين. عاشقان فى السبعينيات، الشعر سبيكة فضة، والقلب رغيف ساخن، والعمر مكعب ثلج يوشك أن يذوب، لكن هناك البهجة، وعذوبة البدايات، والاكتشافات المتبادلة التى ترافق قصص الحب وتجعلها تستيقظ فى الصباح فرحة، وكأنها بنت العشرين.ه

لم يكن أحدهما يدرى أن القدر كتب لهما موعدا مع الحب فى دار المسنين. ماتت زوجته فبكاها بصدق عند وفاتها. ومات زوجها فبدا لها العمر صحراء شاسعة بلا ينابيع. حتى لقاؤهما الذى رتبته الأقدار كان فى بيت المسنين.ه

فى البدء كانت تبكى باستمرار، ولما كان قد سبقها فى الالتحاق بالدار، فقد تحرك فى قلبه العطف عليها، وبدأ يواسيها ويشد من أزرها، لكنه كسب قلبها حين أصبح يضحكها! روحه المرحة أصابتها بالعدوى، فبدأت تفتش عن مائدته لتتناول معه الإفطار، بعد أيام صارت تتناول معه وجبتى الغداء والعشاء. بعدها صارا لا يفترقان إلا عند موعد النوم.ه

كانا سعيدين حقا لولا حسرته الدائمة لأنهما لم يلتقيا فى شباب العمر، حينما كان يصعد سلالم الدرج دفعة واحدة، ويأكل ما يشاء دون أن يخشى سوء الهضم، وحينما ينام لا يشك أنه سيستيقظ فى الصباح التالى.ه

وفى كل مرة تبتسم فى تسامح، وتقول له فى صبر: «أقدارنا تملكنا ولا نملكها، وطريقنا المحدد سلفا سنسير عليه شئنا أم أبينا، أليس جائزا أننا كنا نتقابل ولا ألفت انتباهك؟».ه

نتلاقى ولا نقع فى الحب؟، يقول لهما بحزم: مستحيل.ه

يهز رأسه فى إصرار. ويجد السلوى فى الصور القديمة. صور الأبيض والأسود، وكأنه يريد أن يعوض ما فاته من الحب. كم كانت جميلة حقا فى أزياء الخمسينيات! نضرة، وأنيقة وطاغية الحضور! لكنه قليل الحظ.ه

والذى حدث بعدها لا يُصدق. كان يتأمل فى إحدى الصور فشحب وجهه وارتجفت يداه. أمعن النظر فوجد مجموعة من الرجال والسيدات يرتدون أزياء الخمسينيات فى نزهة خلوية ويبتسمون. قرب المنتصف تقف حبيبته وهى تضحك مستندة على كتف امرأة أخرى. أما المدهش الذى لا يصدقه عقل، أنه- بشحمه ولحمه- يقف فى طرف الصورة ناظرا إلى الكاميرا فى غير اهتمام!ه

ومنذ ذلك الحين لم يعد بوسعه أن يردد نفس السؤال الحائر: «لماذا لم نلتق فى الوقت المناسب؟».ه

المجانين لسة بتعيش؟

Dear Full Moon I've seen yesterday in the blue skies,
Is that really You?
العنوان... تسؤال ردا على أمين حداد " طول ما القمر أمل..المجانين بتعيش"ه

Friday, September 17, 2010


It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life. As children, we are told to smile, be cheerful, and put on a happy face. As adults, we are told to look on the bright side, to make lemonade, and see glasses as half full. Sometimes reality can get in the way of our ability to act the happy part though. Your hope can fail, boyfriends can cheat, friends can disappoint. It's in these moments, when you just want to get real, drop the act, and be your true scared, unhappy self.
She was excited; she was hopeful; she was eager.. and that has been crushed. She has the right to have some feelings. She can be positive tomorrow.
You can be positive tomorrow!!
From Grey's Anatomy

Saturday, September 11, 2010

كل عيد كحك واحنا مسكرين..

العيد فرحة
So, try to seize it!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

إلى السماء الواسعة

تُرسل قلوبنا الصغيرة اسئلة مكتومة إلى السماء، تبعثها كل ليلة مع ملائكة صغار ولآلئ من دموع فضية دافئة. أسئلة عجز عن اجابتها الاصدقاء والطبيب النفسي والفنجان، ولم يجب عليها الجد ولا حتى الكتب بأوراقها الكثيرة! اسئلة تحملها دموعنا المتساقطة إلى أعلى لتشكل غيمة تاهئة في سماء بعيدة! ننتظر ولا نعرف لما. نتألم ولا نعرف إلى متى. لا نفرق بين الوهم والحقيقة، ما نلمسه حقًا وما تسرب من بين أصابعنا. تداعبنا الإشارات الكونية ونتجاهلها. تلاحقنا الذكريات، فنحاول يأسًا نسيانها. نقع، وتزداد علامات الاستفهام ولا نفهم. تختلط الأوراق، ونسقط في تيه عظيم.ه

فهل يمكن، بمعجزة ما، أن تحنو علينا السماء ونعرف؟ أن نجيب على اسئلة العقل؟ هل لنا أن نمحو كل "ربما" و"ماذا لو" و"هل" يسألها القلب المنهك بإجابة مؤكدة واضحة الملامح؟ أيمكن إذًا، أن نستيقظ ذات يومٍ طيب، فنجد صندوق البريد الخالي دائما.. أخيرًا يخبئ خطابًا من السماء- سنندهش حينها ولكن سنكتم سره- ونجد فيه اجابات منطقية لاسئلتنا الطفولية الكثيرة، وحينها نعرف... فنطمئن؟


Friday, September 3, 2010


Peace isn't a permanent state. It exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we knew it was there. We can experience it at any time, in a stranger's act of kindness, a task that requires complete focus or simply the comfort of an old routine. Everyday we all experience these moments of peace. The trick is to know when they're happening so that we can embrace them, live in them. And finally let them go.
quoted from Grey's Anatomy
(On Today..with its Signs, peaceful moments, the regained me for a while, and letting go of those moments, back to reality!)

Thursday, September 2, 2010


إن نظرت إلي وردة دون أن توجعك
وفرحت بها، قل لقلبك: شكرًا!
محمود درويش
(Thanks for the Signs of today.. The Reminders to Live :) !)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

*Take this Sinking boat...& point it home..!

شُرفَةٌ تبحثُ عن منزلها المهدومِ
هذا هو قلبي

مريد البرغوثي
*Title: from the song, Falling Slowly

Friday, August 27, 2010

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...

This movie would definitely mess up with your brain..from flashbacks to memories.. to laughter and heartbreaks, resistance…and self-destruction!

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.


Apart from the fantasy of having some operation to erase your erase a certain episode, to erase some person who has invaded your life, soul and mind…and his/her smell is running in your blood now..and you just wanna throw that person out of your if you never knew that one ever! Did you happen to ever wish that?
Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Hmm. Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.
Clementine: I know.


To collect all the memories, the cards, the posters, even the street-walks, the phone calls, the tokens, the laughter, the words… all that's concrete and all the abstract…and just make them vanish as they never been...
(Joel holds two big bags of tokens and scribbles... while another patient just holds a small box, and another one a statue... because the presence of someone in your life is in the air and the abstract.. not just by getting rid of dozens of concrete stuff!)
Howard: We'll dispose of these mementos when we're done here, that way you won't be confused by their unexplainable presence in your home.


Your life is at pause..and you need to move on..and your cells are resisting..and you scream out loud: "Enough is enough ..and screw you…with all your love and all your smiles..and all your bloody sweet, killing words… get out of my brain.. stop tickling my veins with my pulse, stop whispering your name in my ears!" But does all the silent screaming even work?
(When you see in the movie that their very first words after the break-up when starting the procedures of the erasing, they start confessing the very bad things in each others' personalities; they start the attack, to conceal their true sincere love for the other partner, as if it's safer that way to forget and get over someone.)
Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.

Clementine: [pauses] Okay.
Didn't you find you're so much in pain… at loss …and in a life-in-death state.. and those around you are moving on… they're eating, and drinking, they're laughing, they're talking… and you're lying there…not lifting a limb?! At some point, they'll forget to hug you, or they'll forget you are still shattered ..and they move on, while you're stuck in reverse.
(As symbolised in Joel's ongoing operation of deletion of memories, lying motionless in bed, whereas the others are laughing, making love, eating, beside him..and not in silence of the sacred moment of grief for losing a beloved memory)

Joel: Is there any risk of brain damage?
Howard: Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage


Didn't you wanna run and escape and hide in your memories… the happy ones.. to remain with the ones you loved.. and not to let them go.. because in reality they have disappeared? You just replay all memories to feel safe once more, to drink an illusionary dose of security? Didn't you wish to close your eyes.. and keep their image and sound there in your head …till forever? You're so much taking shelter in the past…in the memories! Nostalgia it is!
(When Joel beautifully confesses to his love.. weird, I cannot remember anything without you.. and even his childhood memories..he wished she was part of it... the presence of the one you love taints all your memories that you wish you had started life together from day one on earth)
Joel: I can't remember anything without you.
Clementine: That's sweet, but try.
Didn't you try to resist…and when you almost do it… someone innocently – but wickedly- says one word..or does a small gesture… that reminds you of what's gone..and you're submerged into a deep well of memories..of history, you thought you've forgotten?!
(When Patrick wickedly steals all the tokens of Joel and uses them to win the love of Kate Winselt.. and he uses the very same nicknames.. in fact this only got him far away from her..and got Kate even closer to her memories of her real love that are present, despite the deletion fact)

Patrick: What's wrong?
Clementine: I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! I'm lost! I'm scared! I feel like I'm disappearing! MY SKIN'S COMING OFF! I'M GETTING OLD! Nothing makes any sense to me! NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!


Didn't you wish that the last moment you have with that one.. was not all about unfinished talk..and walking away..and turning your back..and not even enjoying the very last be rather later remembered with a smile.. not a tear and a sigh?!
(Like the magnificent scene of the beach house...before its total collapse, and all is in sand.. and she asks him to enjoy the very last moment before the good-bye.. do not just walk away.. before saying a decent good-bye.. as if it's the very last thing you owe to Love in its very essence)
Joel: I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Didn't you really close your eyes.,.and wish that you'd meet again, in a fresh new start..pain-free.. and still smile ..both of you… and let the moment flies you to the next one.. with freshness..and dew of love kissing your hearts!?
(Both Jim Carry and Kate Winselt.. opened their eyes.. after the deletion operation of memories.. erasing one another from their lives.. but they woke up to meet again.. because it's Fate's working.. destiny.. that holds them both on track..whatever they do to forget one another)
Joel: [Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: (Whispers him) Meet me... in Montauk...
Jim Carry and Kate Winselt take you in such a journey of memories.. that you can't even resist flying along with them… you go on cursing the uncaring people around them.. You wanna pat Joel's head and tell him: "I know they don't care.. But I do… I've been there before..I feel you!" You won't even blame Kate's impulsive decision that she decided to erase him from her life…because you know how memories thrive on your soul.. Memories can be a beast soaking your vampires! You're in Joel's brain..and in the labyrinth of memories….and you recall along with them every word..and every smile..and every fight… but you still wanna never let go! And you discover that this suffering journey of memories ..of the beautiful past… should end…! You should wake up in the morning and forget all about it… you should move on! You should wake up like a baby with a spotless mind.. the famous tabula rasa.. only to start scribbling on that very white new page..and cram it with new memories! Your new day..should start by forgiving yourself.. and forgiving the ones whom you love..and who did hurt you… Only then you'll be blessed by "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

(Alexander Pope)


But can you really forgive..and thus forget? Actually yes..! If not by such an operation can do it for real! The question thus remains.. Do you actually want to forget?!i


The picture above is Joel's drawing of Clementine that was a last thing he found in his house as a proof of Clementine's presence in his life, despite all deletion, destruction of memories, and despite all attempts of moving on