One day we may...

Nothing to lose...if we are wise

We're not expecting rainbow-colored skies

Not right away

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Nothing to lose...It might be fun

No talk of spending lifetimes in the sun

Although we may

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Both you and I have seen what time can do

We'll only hurt ourselves if we build dreams that don't come true

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What can we lose?!

We know the score

Let's wait before we talk of evermore

One day we may

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Nothing to lose

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But much to gain if love decides to stay
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Nothing to lose...

___

p.s. An adorable song from "The Party" starring Peter Sellers and this adorable singer, Claudine Longet! The Party is one of my best favourites and haven't seen it in years now and was so happy finding that adorable song! So soothing, isnt it?!

I'm always indebted...and will still owe You, My Lord!

يا رب لك الحمد كما ينبغي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطانك

وبكرة جي اخضر وانتي بتتبسمي :)

*From my Diaries: 25th of Feb. 09*
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Well, when you are so tense and worried..and you just woke up, and your head has thousands of thoughts clashing...and when you're waiting for two sms to set your chaotic day in order...and you don't receive those messages and you're on the verge of loss and you don't know which lectures are when ..and which meeting is where..and all of a sudden you get a cheerful "saba7 el kheir" ...well..only at this moment I took a breath and told myself "saba7 el kheir" and knew somehow that it's gonna be fine...for I believe you! *Thank You*





"w bokra gy a7'dar wenty btetbsmy"! *Do you promise? *





when I'm rushing..and late for the lecture..and hindered in traffic..and I get on time with a miracle..then..I take another breath, and smile!





When the Wednesday passes with no encounters with the ugly witch...I smile even more!





When God saves you..though you don't deserve it..and Mona says that prayer..and I sigh! I say, I'm grateful, and wonder if I deserve this, so I say...alhamdulelah..





When at last..I meet a bright student...who gives hope in this life that despite all..Light will carry you to the right place...and nothing is to be incapable...! Nothing should hinder you! I'm then enlightened!


When I passed the street..and threw my head backwards to look childishly to the night-sky..in search of the moon..and find instead shining stars... I'm guided!




When we sit and talk and laugh...and I listen and smile! Then I'm lucky! *Chocolate-like*





When I say "you make my day"...then I mean it!! *Did I say it?! Here you go then!*





When he sings "mn 3'eir ma tetklmy" as you predicted as the start... and promises me, over and over again..."w bokra gy a7'dar wenty btetbsmy"...then, I could have died happily at this moment! I wished it would have lasted till forever! Ali just knew that I needed that re-assurance to "SMILE"! and I did..! * :) *



When Ali sings beautifully- as he did.... I own the world! *Sigh!*

When the cold breeze embraced me ...I was totally refreshed! *Renewed*

When I paniced...you made me feel safe with a spontaneous- heroic- gesture of yours! ( btw, I felt like a child for that moment of panicing :$ lol, it was ridiculous that I paniced , wasn't it?! ).. but it was all to bless more of that night that's all...! *Blessed*





When I passed by the glittery water page of Nile..I knew I was serene! *Alhamdulelah*





and when I know that there is "meaning"..and there is "smiling"...then I'm sure -insha Allah- that "Bokra gy a7'dar wenty btetbsmy"!





p.s. Thank you, Shukran, Merci, Danke...! Because I believe both of you when you say "Bokra gy a7'dar"..I just believe you! ...and that's what it means to have "Meaning"! :)

تقلي انت لا تعلي، وقلك بعد بدي، شوف القمر حدي..القمر حدي

Sitting in the open air, with just Half-a-Moon exactly above me!! A Ray of silvery Light showers my spot! Did this Half-Moon choose me..attract me like a magnet, to make me choose this very chair instead of the one on my right or the other chair on my left?! Was there something in my Mortal cells -like a negative pole- moving towards the Positive Pole of the Half-Moon?! Why is it Half even?! Half a Moon! Half of a full Moon!! Do we complete each other Now? Do you make me a full Sun? Do I make you a full Moon? Or are you simply a far-fetched, silvery Half-Moon in the far away skies?!

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Whatever it is.. I like the spot where I am Now, till one of us moves into our own distinct - or may be common- Skies!! Then may be I'll know..!

_______

The Title is from Fayrouz's song "Betmarja7"

مرئي وسري ..معاً

فرحا بشيء ما خفيٍّ، كنْت أَحتضن

الصباح بقوَّة الإنشاد، أَمشي واثقا

بخطايَ، أَمشي واثقا برؤايَ، وَحْي ما

يناديني: تعال! كأنَّه إيماءة سحريَّة ٌ،ه

وكأنه حلْم ترجَّل كي يدربني علي أَسراره،ه

فأكون سيِّدَ نجمتي في الليل... معتمدا

علي لغتي. أَنا حلْمي أنا. أنا أمّ أمِّي

في الرؤي، وأَبو أَبي، وابني أَنا

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فرحا بشيء ما خفيٍّ، كان يحملني

علي آلاته الوتريِّة الإنشاد . يَصْقلني

ويصقلني كماس أَميرة شرقية

ما لم يغَنَّ الآن

في هذا الصباح

فلن يغَنٌي

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أَعطنا، يا حبّ، فَيْضَكَ كلَّه لنخوض

حرب العاطفيين الشريفةَ، فالمناخ ملائم،ه

والشمس تشحذ في الصباح سلاحنا،ه

يا حبُّ! لا هدفٌ لنا إلا الهزيمةَ في

حروبك.. فانتصرْ أَنت انتصرْ، واسمعْ

مديحك من ضحاياكَ: انتصر! سَلِمَتْ

يداك! وَعدْ إلينا خاسرين... وسالما!ه

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فرحا بشيء ما خفيٍّ، كنت أَمشي

حالما بقصيدة زرقاء من سطرين، من

سطرين... عن فرح خفيف الوزن،ه

مرئيٍّ وسرِّيٍّ معا

مَنْ لا يحبّ الآن،ه

في هذا الصباح،ه

!فلن يحبَّ

___

محمود درويش

Glowing...

So as never to forget this evening:

From My Diaries: 18th of Feb. 2009

When Wednesdays get better!! (Believe it or not) :D

I think it all started when I heard Um Kalthoum in the background! Though I could never recognise the words..since I was in such a hurry.. but I was happy that she was blessing the start of such an amazing evening to come! :)

I was there..back to all sweet moments…! The glittery stuff..the oriental smell of herbs…where I used to go with my granny… it was all there..I was like the little one there..I was definite that my heart was hopping of joy at that moment…It also reminded me of the sweet cosy tours I had with Azza in luxor and Aswan! And now I was there..with a very nice company! And it was just such a beautiful start of the evening..:)

And then the talk…the listening, the laughter, the green plant....The Ever-Green! …:)

What could be more amazing than listening to Fayrouz..in such a wonderful place?! Another beautiful blessing…once I stepped in she was saying " 7'leena 7'leena w tesb2na el seneen" that very phrase that wishes to halt all time…for the sake of the moment!But instead I halted the whole evening in a photo ! A photo that would remind me of an amazing evening and a wonderful company!

The place: Wekalet el Ghori ! It is so warm…so oriental..much the style I like! I could have died happily at this moment..with that adorable Fayrouzian list… and the beautiful warm lights there!!

And again it was the talk..I could have sounded depressing at times...lunatic at others... But I enjoyed it!

And then it all started…I've never seen anything like it! WOW! How they enjoyed what they were doing! El Tanoura is indeed just like life..how you go into those twirls and swirls..till the light ignites your soul!! I was amazed indeed…and "el madda7" really shook me from the inside..but in such a beautiful way…! It was such a moment of purgation indeed! And the colours,, I only said to myself..it was rainbow-like!! And when they were in white..it was just like fallen from heaven!!! I was all the time mouth-opened and amazed…I mean I've never seen anything like it..and how it was so refreshing..and ever-green :)

The weather was superb..the evening was superb..the whole experience was superb , alhamdulelah!

Definitely…you make my Wednesday's better! The Venom of the ugly witch never lasts on such special Wednesdays! The Wednesday curse is alhamdulelah broken :D

…"shukran ad el donya" :)

p.s. Next time, I have to kindap Nouran, Azza, Mona, and Razan to that warm place! Who knows..may be "7'leena 7'leena tesb2na el seneen" there ! :)

ضي روحي يبان

وهناك أشياء كثيرة في الحياة تمنحنا من ذاتها دونما تفكير أيضا. تهبنا من أعمارها لنكمل أعمارنا. السحب والأرض والشجر والحيوان والطير والأنهار والبحار والشمس. فلتمنحها حبك ولا تجحد عواطفها، فهي عواطف عالية وإن تكن بكماء يا حبيب قلبي

____

محمد المخزنجي- "أعز ما تبقى من عمري لك" من مجموعة أوتار الماء

أما العنوان فهو من اغنية "بحبك" لعلى الحجار

Just for the record..

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

___

Marilyn Monroe

(with Nouran's dedication :D)

Jouissance...

Jotting Down..

Let's first agree that : Today's burdens are tomorrow's nothing!

From my Diaries:

- I'm so bored...(only today..yesterday i was not as bored as now! so it's an instant feeling I know..but has to be written anyway...and I know all cure of boredom already! lol)

- I miss certain friends...whether they know it or not...But I won't plead for their presence! I'd just sit back and say..as you wish! Call it arrogance, call it stupidity..call it stubborness..But I tried..and I have pride issues..and sensitivity issues as well! (But why I'm hurt by their abscence and missing their presence?..I dunno....because they're my friends!!! Duh!)

- I have a headache!

- Why did the vacation end?! Ans.: To add more discipline to my life! lol At least I'm back to that cycle that will choke me...lol..in fact.. it gives me purpose.. though I curse it all the time!

- Why certain things people do..and worry it might annoy me..and it doesn't! and when something else done annoys me..they don't realise it?! :D Lunacy on my part?!

- Vacation ended and I accomplished none of the planned to: Researches? No! Travelling? No! Reunion? 7asha w kala! lol Cinema ?! No- or may be yes..once wallah ma fakra lol! Meeting Azza?! mara wala martein bayn (NOT COUNTED) !!! Driving Lessons?! No! well...kano esbo3ein 3omy a3melhom eh ya3ni!!

-Ok, being positive: I had the Book Fair outings (which were TOO MANY), I had the good people I met (Bahaa Taher, Ahdaf Soueif, Radwa Ashour, Mona Baker), I had the friends' whom I met there, and like definitely..I have Ali el 7aggar's concert that I attended...which was awesome (as usual), and I have the lovely books I've got and read and reading and more to read! So, Ok..It was not a pathetic vacation..I'm just greedy for more! :D

- maleesh mazag! that's my motto for this hour..or this evening!

- Isn't there a magical way to restore the posts I'm recovering manually?! lol It's such a desperate way of doing it...but hell with it..I like reading those details again!! and what pacifies me is insha Allah the moment I have them all back here...! isA..Rabena yedeeny tolet el 3omr!:D

-Sudden gaps...hmm.. even if it's not an intentional one (worse if it is intentional lol)..I'm not sure how I deal with them afterwards...!

- I can't say I'm lonely! For I'm not! alhamdulelah...! But some friends' presence is important... ! well..I see it that way.. Friends should be the constant thing in one's life! Especially the friends you care for and cherish, trust and confide in! They're the ones you'll update them with anything in life and they'd update you..automatically! So, love, work, sorrow, other friends issues, happiness, hallucinations..are the transitory ones..these are the updates you give your constant few friends! What happens when you miss those constants...for a reason or another..well.. things do not go really well, for still you're missing a constant..and is swept by the ebb and flow of temporary causes!

- My cure for this weird mood : Sleep is the best cure! in an hour, two, or whatsoever...I'll sleep..and by sleeping, a mood ends...may be nothing changes from the above mentioned...but still it will be a new day..may be with a new page of diaries..at any another night!

علامات الحضور والغياب*

احاول الهرب من العلامات التي تطاردني .. فأغلق الراديو حتى لا تفاجئني اسمهان مرة اخرى بـ "امتى ح تعرف امتى"! " لا توجد رسائل جديدة".. اذن فهو صباح كئيب.. اطوي تلك الصفحة التي خطت فيها يداي للتو بتوتر "غيابك خسوف للقمر"! ادس هاتفي تحت الوسادة حتي لا انظر اليه بين الفينة والاخرى ..بل حتى لا اجن! انتظر ما لا اعلمه..انتظر الاشارات! أهرب منك إلى كتبي.. فاقرأ واقرأ واقرأ! انهيت اليوم كتابين، لا لسرعة قرائتي..وانما لرغبة شديدة في الاندماج في عوالم اخرى، أنت لست فيها! ولكنك لم تكف عن ملاحقتي بين الصفحات، فانتهيت من القراءة واحكمت حبسك بين دفتي الكتاب حتي لا يطاردني طيفك! "آآه لو تعرف يا حبيبي وانت معايا باحس بإيه" تأتيني تلك الإشارة في توقيت غريب الان..لا أعلم من أين يأتيني صوت نجاة!الراديو أوالتلفزيون ؟ لا.. رنة الهاتف؟ لا...كل شئ حولي صامت وبارد! أقف كالممسوسة في وسط الشقة ولا اعرف هل كان ذلك عقلي أم اني سمعت نجاة حقاً؟ !! أغمض عيني للحظات، اتنفس، أحتاج الآن إلى صوت يعلو صوت افكاري.. يعلو صوت الوساوس التي تلاحقني.. صوت يمنعني عنك! فكان التليفون! هاتفتها.. ظناً منى اني سأسر اليها بما يلاحقني او اشعر به، لكني خشيت ان تصفني بالجنون..فآثرت الصمت! ظلت تتحدث، وانا كنت اضحك بهستيرية شديدة، كان يبدو ما تقوله مضحكاً، ويبدو كذلك أنني كنت في حاجة إلى الضحك، ضحكت حتى دمعت عيناي وآلمتني بطني..ثم توقف كل شئ وانا أضع السماعة!كنت قد نسيت ما دار عنه حديثنا وضحكنا.. ووجدت الصمت يحتلني الان، يعقد لساني ويثقل قلبي.. فصارت دموعي تنهمر! لا أعلم كم بقيت على هذا الكرسي الوثير بالصالة وانا أبكي.. ساعة، ساعتين، ثلاث؟! ... بكاء صامت.. دموع لا تتوقف ورغبة ملحة داخلي لا أعلم كنهها! تفشل جميع خططي في الابتعاد عنك! أنا لم اشرب القهوة, ولا أكلت الشيكولاتة, ولا استمعت الى فيروز، ولم أقرأ جريدة الاخبار, ولم أرتدي اللون الازرق ...لقد ابتعدت عن كل تلك التفاصيل حتى لا تحتل أنت الهواء الذي اتنفسه، ومع ذلك تحتله رغم كل شئ! انا ابتعد عن كل ما تحب، ابتعد عن كل ما أحببتُ انا كذلك!ولكني فشلت! اليوم يبدو طويلاً.. طويلاً جداً... لا ينتهي... وكل سبل العلاج قد استنفذت، وكذلك سبل استجداء الإشارات الكونية استنفذت ايضاً! اصطحب هاتفي إلى المطبخ، قراري الان: سأخبز كعكة..! سأمضي ساعات الليل في المطبخ ما بين اعداد المقادير، قراءة الوصفة عدة مرات، مزج المكونات، غسل الأطباق، سأنشغل تماماً حتى لا أهمس لنفسي حتى باسمك ! ولكنها الإشارات مجدداً! فما بين الدقيق, والخميرة وبَشر البرتقال، والمكيال والقالب التيفال، ورشة القرفة التي أحبها – ولا تحبها انت- والفانيليا... تأتيني رسالتك! رسالة قصيرة تجعلني اتوقف تماماً... اتوقف عن مزج البيض بالدقيق والفانيليا، اتوقف عن حركة التقليب الهسيتيرية في دوائر مفرغة.. اتوقف عن خطة الابتعاد! اتوقف وخصلات شعري مبعثرة ووجهي ملطخ بالدقيق, ويداي لزجة بفعل العجين.. اتوقف لاقرأ رسالة قصيرة منك.. رسالة جعلتني امضي ليلتي وانا احتسي القهوة مع قطعة الشيكولاتة واستمع الى فيروز وادندن باسمة معها "انا زرني طيفك في منامي قبل ما حبك" وبجواري صحيفة للاخبار.. وارتدي منذ ساعات مريلة مطبخ زرقاء ملطخة بالدقيق والسكر.. وها انا افتح صفحة جديدة من دفتري اكتب فيها مساءاً.. "ووجودك شمس الحياة"!ه

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(تمت)

____

العنوان: هو عنوان كتاب لـكرمة سامي*

Pinteresque Hallucinations...

From My Diaries:

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Wed. 14th of January 09

Fragments:

Mint-like Refreshment.

I wonder how..I wonder why!

Come Fly with me!

Desert of Joy! Desert Rose!

Jouissance!

Recent Changes: I am no longer suffering from Pinteresque silence; I'm smiling, relaxed, not m,oody of anything. I don't get sad easily, I'm weirdly stable and in mood!

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Sat. 17th of Jan. 2009

History repeats itself!

Acknowledging the problem is halfway of cure.....or more question marks!! No, Just more question marks! But still the growing mint plant! Refreshing!

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Thurs. 5th of Feb. 09

Wondering..Wandering:

Sitting in the open air... A Half-moon showers my spot with a silvery ray! Why half a moon? Why just hanging above my exact spot?! Je ne sais pas!

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Sat. 7th of Feb. 09

Wrong Track:

Nothing is sure! Nothing is definite! At loss!

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Sun. 8th of Feb. 09

Pinteresque Silence!

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To Breathe , or Not to breathe..That's the Question!

ما مرق..ما مرق على دربي

متله ما مرق

شو سرق ..شو سرق من قلبي؟

ما بعرف شو سرق

سرقلي ذكرياتي

واخد مني آهاتي

يا ريته ما مرق

...

من صوب بيتي.. ليش طل الهوى بكير؟

بقلبي قلت: معليش، شي يمرق شو راح بيصير

فيي الزمان احتار ...بغفلة عمر شو صار..لما بصدفة مرق

يا ريته ما مرق

...

ما ادري بشو حسيت ..ما الحب عندي جديد

يا ما قبل تمنيت سافر معه لبعيد

ما حسبت هيك حساب.. يفتح له قلبي باب..لو حتى ما مرق

يا ريته ما مرق

____

جوليا بطرس: ما مرق

!!قفشششتك

لو مسكتها ..ح تروح! ولو سبتها.. ح تروح برضه!0

اومال بتجري ورايا ليه بقى؟!ه

فزورة دي؟!ه

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