Tuesday, September 2, 2008


Warning : This is crap, and all crap, and nothing but crap ( = hallucinations)

Thank you...I started to hate the idea of my work and career...how it started already to condition my life, choices and everything! I never thought of it that way... why that damn stereotypical view then...why?! Hate it...loathe it... I dunno what's right and what's wrong... they're right? all of them? I am wrong?? all the way, am I wrong? Damn it! I hate it...I hate what it will turn me to..I hate the track it draws...I started to hate it! They make me to, they force me to, intentionally, and unintentionally...and don't ask who...because they're MANY! DAMN!

A deep breathe!..and another one!

Do you what am turning into? A Statue... indeed...an ice statue...! I started to feel it...that coldness coming from every nerve of my limbs.. , reaching to my soul and heart! A statue with a frozen soul... pretending to smile, pretending to talk, pretending to care! A Statue...!

Innocence does not work! Dreaming either... It works in a way.,.. but fairy-like dreams!? Seems Not! or may be they do exist... but they're stangled at some point..dunno what happens exactly! May be it's just me..I can live with that destiny by the way! Just give me a straight sign...or may be all that's happening is a sign and I'm not to believe it?!

Hate my chocked tears...and they too are starting to freeze! Like to be incapable of shedding them, or let's be fair and say..indifferent...! You're stabbed, and wounded, and injured..and you stand still, move on, and ...and you don't fight back.. or you have that thick-skinned heart... or that strong shell protecting the soul, but now is prisoning it and making it adapt to it! Ok, I adapted... I understand it now! I should not try to let my soul breathe outside those bars..Ok! Ok!

Why anyone think I ask for anything?! I don't! Even the very simple, mere rights! I don't want any.. if everything needs such fuss! I had enough with fuss! I can suffice with the life I'm currently leading- the statue life- you can find me: the laughable, the smiling, the listener, the friend, whatever... but it seems I should not take any role apart from that, me requiring more is a problematic issue...and my dear friend, I stopped requiring long ago!

Why whenever I stupidly think I can be an "Emma" , I discover I'm destined to me a "Maggie"?! I agreed to play Maggie's role..and take that track..and was pleased about that...quite safe..self-destructive , but safe for others... saving the whole fuss! didn't I tell you I hate the fuss about my matters?! I don't want to be an Emma.. don't raise hopes that I'll be an Emma..I no longer want it.. ! Emma managed miraculously to live on Earth...believe me, I hate Earth! I hate it, with all its mundane issues, with all its issues that I don't understand, with all its stupid conditions, with all its pretensions, with all its heartbreaks, with all its whining and complaining and sobbing, and weaknesses and fragility...PLANET EARTH, I HATE YOU!

And since Mother Earth (she's anything but a mother) does not comprise fairy lands...with butterflies and happy ending, and sweet lullaby music...that drug I've been nurtured to pursue life and dream of the forbidden! Then, let Maggie survive with the few butterflies left in her mind and soul...to go on with the few days she can handle on this stupid Earth...with its all foolishness ...till she go to the one True Land..where she'll have the True compensation, the Truth attained, the Truth and nothing but the Truth! The Truth she deserves, the Peace she sought unconditioned, the Serenity...the Safety that are futile on Earth... they're nothing but in one place! Maggie drowned to reach that place! Drowned because she was not a witch, because she was an innocent dreamer whose world didn't have room enough for her simple requirements- her life!

God, you know my wish! Take me to the one True Land...and till I arrive there, relieve my distress and don't make me the reason to cause it to any by any means... I plead you..Let me be alone... I agree, it's safer, it's better, it's not wrecking, it's simpler, it's more peaceful, for me and for all... so that I won't crash with the things and the ones I don't wanna crash with! Please, Let my days be on Earth...short or long... be peaceful one..for the ones I love! But please, don't leave me on this planet long...!