*Take this Sinking boat...& point it home..!

شُرفَةٌ تبحثُ عن منزلها المهدومِ

هذا هو قلبي

!

_________

مريد البرغوثي

*Title: from the song, Falling Slowly

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...

This movie would definitely mess up with your brain..from flashbacks to memories.. to laughter and heartbreaks, resistance…and self-destruction!

*

Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.

*

Apart from the fantasy of having some operation to erase your memories..to erase a certain episode, to erase some person who has invaded your life, soul and mind…and his/her smell is running in your blood now..and you just wanna throw that person out of your life..as if you never knew that one ever! Did you happen to ever wish that?

*

Clementine: Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours.

Joel: I remember that speech really well.

Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?

Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.

Clementine: Hmm. Probably.

Joel: I still thought you were gonna save my life... even after that.

Clementine: I know.

*

To collect all the memories, the cards, the posters, even the street-walks, the phone calls, the tokens, the laughter, the words… all that's concrete and all the abstract…and just make them vanish as they never been...

(Joel holds two big bags of tokens and scribbles... while another patient just holds a small box, and another one a statue... because the presence of someone in your life is in the air and the abstract.. not just by getting rid of dozens of concrete stuff!)

*

Howard: We'll dispose of these mementos when we're done here, that way you won't be confused by their unexplainable presence in your home.

*

Your life is at pause..and you need to move on..and your cells are resisting..and you scream out loud: "Enough is enough ..and screw you…with all your love and all your smiles..and all your bloody sweet, killing words… get out of my brain.. stop tickling my veins with my pulse, stop whispering your name in my ears!" But does all the silent screaming even work?

(When you see in the movie that their very first words after the break-up when starting the procedures of the erasing, they start confessing the very bad things in each others' personalities; they start the attack, to conceal their true sincere love for the other partner, as if it's safer that way to forget and get over someone.)

*

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.

Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

*

Didn't you find you're so much in pain… at loss …and in a life-in-death state.. and those around you are moving on… they're eating, and drinking, they're laughing, they're talking… and you're lying there…not lifting a limb?! At some point, they'll forget to hug you, or they'll forget you are still shattered ..and they move on, while you're stuck in reverse.

(As symbolised in Joel's ongoing operation of deletion of memories, lying motionless in bed, whereas the others are laughing, making love, eating, beside him..and not in silence of the sacred moment of grief for losing a beloved memory)

*

Joel: Is there any risk of brain damage?
Howard: Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage

*

Didn't you wanna run and escape and hide in your memories… the happy ones.. to remain with the ones you loved.. and not to let them go.. because in reality they have disappeared? You just replay all memories to feel safe once more, to drink an illusionary dose of security? Didn't you wish to close your eyes.. and keep their image and sound there in your head …till forever? You're so much taking shelter in the past…in the memories! Nostalgia it is!

(When Joel beautifully confesses to his love.. weird, I cannot remember anything without you.. and even his childhood memories..he wished she was part of it... the presence of the one you love taints all your memories that you wish you had started life together from day one on earth)

*

Joel: I can't remember anything without you.
Clementine: That's sweet, but try.

*

Didn't you try to resist…and when you almost do it… someone innocently – but wickedly- says one word..or does a small gesture… that reminds you of what's gone..and you're submerged into a deep well of memories..of history, you thought you've forgotten?!

(When Patrick wickedly steals all the tokens of Joel and uses them to win the love of Kate Winselt.. and he uses the very same nicknames.. in fact this only got him far away from her..and got Kate even closer to her memories of her real love that are present, despite the deletion fact)

*

Patrick: What's wrong?

Clementine: I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! I'm lost! I'm scared! I feel like I'm disappearing! MY SKIN'S COMING OFF! I'M GETTING OLD! Nothing makes any sense to me! NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!

*

Didn't you wish that the last moment you have with that one.. was not all about unfinished talk..and walking away..and turning your back..and not even enjoying the very last memory..to be rather later remembered with a smile.. not a tear and a sigh?!

(Like the magnificent scene of the beach house...before its total collapse, and all is in sand.. and she asks him to enjoy the very last moment before the good-bye.. do not just walk away.. before saying a decent good-bye.. as if it's the very last thing you owe to Love in its very essence)

*

Joel: I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.

*

Didn't you really close your eyes.,.and wish that you'd meet again, in a fresh new start..pain-free.. and still smile ..both of you… and let the moment flies you to the next one.. with freshness..and dew of love kissing your hearts!?

(Both Jim Carry and Kate Winselt.. opened their eyes.. after the deletion operation of memories.. erasing one another from their lives.. but they woke up to meet again.. because it's Fate's working.. destiny.. that holds them both on track..whatever they do to forget one another)

*

Joel: [Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: (Whispers him) Meet me... in Montauk...

*

Jim Carry and Kate Winselt take you in such a journey of memories.. that you can't even resist flying along with them… you go on cursing the uncaring people around them.. You wanna pat Joel's head and tell him: "I know they don't care.. But I do… I've been there before..I feel you!" You won't even blame Kate's impulsive decision that she decided to erase him from her life…because you know how memories thrive on your soul.. Memories can be a beast soaking your breaths..like vampires! You're in Joel's brain..and in the labyrinth of memories….and you recall along with them every word..and every smile..and every fight… but you still wanna never let go! And you discover that this suffering journey of memories ..of the beautiful past… should end…! You should wake up in the morning and forget all about it… you should move on! You should wake up like a baby with a spotless mind.. the famous tabula rasa.. only to start scribbling on that very white new page..and cram it with new memories! Your new day..should start by forgiving yourself.. and forgiving the ones whom you love..and who did hurt you… Only then you'll be blessed by "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

*

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

(Alexander Pope)

*

But can you really forgive..and thus forget? Actually yes..! If not by such an operation ..you can do it for real! The question thus remains.. Do you actually want to forget?!i

___________

The picture above is Joel's drawing of Clementine that was a last thing he found in his house as a proof of Clementine's presence in his life, despite all deletion, destruction of memories, and despite all attempts of moving on

لازم؟؟

*And..It's no longer safe around!*

A Message...

Dear Little Kid,

Stop Dreaming! Your sudden spark of dreams.. ache my heart! Didn't we stop dreaming?! Dreams require Magic .. and Magic does not exist! Or may be it does.. but I cannot afford believing in Magic anymore! Suffice with what I'm offering...a no-hope-life! Live silently within me..and see the reality! ...and please, keep breathing along with me! Hide.. it will be better for both of us... but do not come jumping with questions, or may-bes, that I have no answers for! I know you respected the treaty of not anticipating, not hoping, not dreaming thing.. but you still mischievously do it unconsciously once in a while..and it SO hurts! SO, you better stop it! Open your eyes..and see the world around you... and you'll remember the taste of disappointment! So, let me do what I've gotta do.. and handle the shattered pieces, and enough with your requests, games, hopes and stupid wishes! Let us live..with the few we've got now...!

yours,

Me!

P.S. Do not hate me.. believe me..I'm protecting you! Your dreams just remind me of how helpless and powerless I am... and makes me watch you almost burning yourself with risk! So, let's not do this to one another... !

حاجة أمورة

كل ما اقوله.."كل سنة وانت طيب" بيضحك! هو لازم يكون عيد ميلاد ولا أول مرة قلتلي فيها "بحبك" عشان اقولك كدة؟ .. فيضحك! التفاصيل الصغيرة هي اللي بتفرِق. يعني أول مرة شربنا قهوة سوا.. أول مرة وصلتني..أول فراشة بيضا تعدي ما بينا.. وأول شتا دافي بكوفيتك حوالين رقبتي في يوم مطرة. كل دي تفاصيل تستحق تماما اننا نحتفل بيها كل سنة! مش دول بذمتك أهم من الفالانتين؟ يعني أول مرة اتأخرت برة بس الدنيا كانت أمان معاك ، أي نعم هي أول وآخر مرة، بس مش دي تستحق اننا نفتكرها وقلبنا يضحك؟ أول مرة اتقابلنا اصلا ..أول حفلة حضرناها سوا.. أول مسكة ايد دافية منك..أول مكالمة تليفون الفجر! حتى أول خناقة –اللي قلتلي فيها لأول مرة كلمة بحبك- لازم نفتكرها ونضحك! "ناقص تقوليلي أول مرة قلت لك صباح الخير" ..فأضحك! وايه يعني لما كمان دي نحتفل بيها؟ مش المهم الحاجات اللي في الحياة فرحتنا؟! وقد ايه بيعدي من عمرنا واحنا سوا وفاكرين؟! زي أول مرة تجيبلي عقد فل من الراجل الطيب في الاشارة بتاعة روكسي.. وأول مرة ناخد مركب في النيل سوا- وآخر مرة برضه أنا باترعب منهم! وأول مرة شفنا القمر بدر والنجمة الوحيدة وياه! وأول مرة مسكت ايدي وطيرنا طيارة ورق للسما الزرقا البعيدة! وأول مرة عيطت ولقيت في كلامك حضن دافي يضمني! مش دي كلها حاجات حلوة بريحة السكر جمعتنا.. وصدقني هي اللي ح تبقى من بعدنا! ويمكن كمان دي الحاجات اللي تزعل علينا لو في يوم ايدينا اتفرّقت وتوهنا من بعضنا، وهي اللي ح تفكّرنا لو نسينا، وهي اللي ساعتها ح تزعل وتضلم الشمس، وهي اللي ح تبهج الدنيا لما نفتكرها...! مش بأقولك، التفاصيل يا عزيزي..التفاصيل الصغيرة هي أهم حاجة في الحياة! كل اللي بينا ده تفاصيل صغيرة بيضا معقودة زي عقد الفل! وبعدين.. انت اللي علمتني احتفل بكل حاجة في الحياة.. اني اشوف الحاجات الصغيرة... وان عينيا تلمع وقلبي يتنطط فرح.. ! عرفت ليه اجندتي مليانة تواريخ كلهالحاجاتanniversaries طيبة، أمورة في الدنيا؟! حاجات يمكن خلت كل يوم عيد حياة، اني أصحى الصبح وأفرح، وأقول للسما شكرا انك عديت من هنا، واني دوقت طعم الحياة والفرح! عرفت ليه بقى.. كل سنة وانت طيب :)؟!

___________

تمت

Is there even an End?!

الطريق طويل ومُتعب! ضلمة..وأنا ماشية لوحدي فيه! من غير حتى اشارة نور طالعة من آخر الطريق! لا شايفة الباب..ولا روحي منورة! الطريق عمّال بيصعب..والشمس مابتوصلوش! لا الدفا موجود..ولا النور موجود..! ولا حتى ضلي مصاحبني لأجل ما يونسني!ه

هو لسة بكرة بيجي أخضر يا علي*؟

________

الإشارة لعلي الحجار*

(I wonder if Life is worth the pain, the tears, and the coldness!)

All I can do is Keep Breathing...!*

أعرفُ الألمَ
وأعلمُ
أنَّني في أملي تماديت.ه

أخذَني الهوى
أبعدَ من خطوتي رُبَّما.ه

أجلسُ الآنَ على حافَّةٍ
كأرجوحةٍ أدلِّي ساقيَّ
أغمضُ
ولا ألوِّحُ لأحد.ه

الهاويةُ ورائي،ه
وليسَ الغناءُ طريقاً
لأتوقَّفَ.ه
__________

القصيدة لسوزان عليوان

*Title: song: Keep Breathing

رمضان ...كريم

مرحب شهر الصوم مرحب..لياليك عادت في آمان

بعد انتظارنا وشوقنا إليك ..جيت يا رمضان

(عبد العزيز محمود)

_____________

كل سنة واحنا كفنا رقيق وصغير

:))

استغماية

غيابك بوّخ أوي!! قلتلك ستين مرة مابحبش لعبة الاستغماية... ايه حكمةانك تمشي وتغيب اوي كدة وتستخبى وأنا عينيا تفضل مغمضة، مش شايفة غير العتمة! الدنيا ضلمة وايديا تايهة مش لامساك..وأنا مش بأحب الضلمة.. بأخاف منها ومن بردها!! ليه أقف محلك سر.. في الضلمة لوحدي!!! ليه نتوه؟! وليه مجريش في حضنك وأعيط زي زمان؟! مش بنتك أنا؟! بص بقى.. خلاص! أنا ح اعد من واحد لعشرة..ألاقي صوابعك الدافية بتخبي عينيا، وتنور ابتسامتي، وميّل إنت على ضهري بصدرك واحضنني جامد ..ونفس طالع ونفس نازل ويايا..عشان اتنفس ! يلا..ح أعد اهو

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ها...أفتح بقى؟

.....

*يادي الفرح لو جيت*

________

تمت

الجملة الأخيرة..استعيرها من عمر مصطفى، ورزان

بيان حالة

وكل شئ بينسرق مني

العمر من الأيام

والضي م النني

وكل شئ حواليا يندهلي

......

______

.

شجر اللمون دبلان على أرضه

-بجد-

!نقطة..ومن غير سطر

كل يوم بأقعد مع نفسي أحاول أعيد لها فكرة انك مشيت. بأحاول أفهمها انك مش موجود واحدة.. واحدة. انت عارف العيال بقى، متعرفش تقولهم حاجة كبيرة كدة خبط لزق! لازم توصلهم المعلومة حتة حتة... يعني لما سمكتها الصغيرة الدهبي ماتت - السمكة دي اللي انت جبتهالي- معرفتش اقولها انها ماتت. صحيت مخضوضة لما لقيت السمكة نايمة على ضهرها. قلت لها يمكن نايمة حبة! أنا طبعا كنت عارفة انها ماتت. قعدت اشرح لها انها رايحة عند مامتها في البحر الواسع! اسئلتها كتيرة.. البحر فين؟ طب ح تروح ازاي؟ طب مامتها متجيش ليها ليه؟ كل ده عشان سمكة صغيرة دهبي عبيطة..ماتت!! ما صدقتش غير واحنا بنرميها في النيل!! تخيل؟! خلتني ارمي سمكة دهبي صغيرة ميتة في النيل .. عشان تصدق انها رايحة لمامتها!! فاكر لما تيتة اتوفت؟ ماعرفتش تستوعب الموضوع برضه على بعضه.. عرفت ان تيتة مش موجودة.. واننا مش ح نزورها..وانها مش ح تاكل عندها المكرونة اللي بتحبها.. وان يمكن ما تكلش مكرونة تاني لان مفيش حد بيعملها زي تيتة .. وبعدين وصلت لفكرة ان تيتة عند ربنا.. قامت معيطة! فضلت اسبوع بتعيط مابتبطلش .. كأن الموضوع حصل امبارح مش حصل من كام شهر .. وبقيت تعيط بزيادة لما عدت سنة! كأن استيعابها للأمور بيمشي بالعكس، بالمشقلب..مش بيبدأ كبير ويخلص بالوقت .. لأ، بيبدأ صغنـــون .. ويكبر أول ما تفهم كل اللي حصل، كأنها بتجمع صورة.. زي ما بتعمل بالبازل! فإزاي عايزني أقولها دلوقتي انك مش موجود!!أنا سايباها لسة بتبص على صورك معاها، انك ح تيجي تخرجها فعلا زي ما وعدتها، سايباها تتقمص منك انك متأخر عليها.. يمكن على بكرة اقولها انك مش ح تيجي النهاردة كمان.. الاسبوع الجاي اقولها انك مسافر شوية بعيد! ح تزعل منك شوية بشوية.. ح تبطل تبص على صورك لأنها كرهتك انك متأخر عليها كدة، ح أقولها انك مش ح تيجي وساعتها ح تعيط من جديد، ح تعيط بالأوي! معلهش.. نصبر عليها شوية.. انت اكتر حد عارف انها بتوه في زحمة الدنيا والكلام الكبير اللي مش بتفهمه مرة واحدة.. مرادفات الظروف وانه لازم والحياة والفلوس.. كلام اكبر من انها تفهمه انه يكون سبب انك متكونش هنا تديها حضن وتحكيلها حدوتة! الصبر..شوية بشوية وح تعرف انك مشيت. ويمكن ساعتها.. أصدق أنا كمان انك مش هنا ومفيش حدوتة للنهاردة!ه

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تمت