Friday, September 25, 2009

Blah...Blah..Blah..Blah...!


*More Random Hallucinations*
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-I dunno if I'm really Ok. I really dunno..! Sometimes it seems right..and I'm okay and everything, but my wicked mind plays games with me..
- I started to have panic fits!!!!! Panic of everything..that made me see that ugly side in me that I might be an escapist! I know I'm not one..but sometimes the escape route is much more safe, known, and easy...(though it's not)..than any new challenge or new experience or new battle or whatsoever..
- I need someone to tell me..to remind me that I'm not an escapist, never been and will never be..and even if I freaked out..I'll have someone to pat my hand..and say it's alright, and that I can make it after all..! Someone to bear this sick mind of mine!!
- I try -and do at times manage- to postpone any freaking-out fits! (msh wa2to)!
- Those days with all my sleeping hours are turned upside down, where I'm driven crazy by being awake all night, feeling so tired and out of mood, more of indoors... pushes me to the edge indeed ! It pushes me to the point where I start thinking of having sleeping pills .. This in fact brought all the bad memories of my insomnia and depression times couple of years ago! This freaked me out even more!
- I wish I can just sleep and attain peace of mind..
- Have I gone too far? way too far that no backwards now..?! Like too late to save any of my soul and heart? Ans. is : YEP! Both Fortunately and Unfortunately..yes...seems so!
- So, based on that answer and fact, what if......?!
- Ans. is: I really dunno..and this makes me more and more afraid! I have no one but God!
- I am afraid of every single thing: I am afraid of tomorrow, of the future, afraid of things getting out of control, afraid of the unknown, afraid of all that's happened and been happening around me..! (I started to think that I really do have a complex issue!!!)
- I'm actually afraid of all the what ifs.. and the time and what it carries...and all kinda surprises..all the unexpected (for be sure as hell there should be something suprisingly unexpected to happen anytime anyplace)! (estaghfur Allah el 3azeem, kolo kheir still)
- Does this mean I've lost faith in where I am now? Ans: No!
- Did I lose faith in God's working? No!
- I'm just afraid..this neither means that I'm superstitious (ok I'm partially one)..or anything! It simply means that I've seen pain..I've known pain..I've savoured pain... and I'm just afraid to be let down! I'm afraid it's a test for my patience, my endurance, my strength, my whatsoever! I'm so afraid..in a freaking way!
-The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself...TRUE! I know and I repeat this to myself...also (tafa2lo bel kheir tagedoh)..I know! I am a sane person...! But out of my hands that part of me still bears that sick worrisome person..that creates a web of weird things to choke me to death!
- All I need right now is a crystal ball...or more simply a hug, and me closing my eyes, and someone whispering into my ears..It's gonna be fine...!
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p.s. Guess what?! This is another normal worry fit of mine! and I'm so sick of me, by the way!!
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1 comment:

BaTaBeeT said...

Damn those panic attacks especially when they are bout one's self !!!

reading this reminded me so much of my state most of the days... and I guess u think WAY TOO MUCH

try to take it easy...and we are all sick of ourselves