A Confession

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need"

There is something I need to get it out loud and scream it into the void. And so, this is a public diary entry in the void, in a silent sphere.

A friend told me the need of dividing pain.. تجزئة الألم.. And this is what I need.. Breaking it into little particles and molecules till it dissolves. .

So, here it is:
I had a miscarriage.


I sometimes think I was all day-dreaming and I didn't even get pregnant in the first place. Here are the facts: I didn't see it on that dark screen, I didn't hear a heartbeat. I try to convince myself it never existed. The whole experience didn't happen. But at other times I know I am just a liar. I felt you, I knew you were there. I even talked to you sometimes (crazy as it sounds) and patted you, and asked you to cling onto me even harder. I did give you a nickname and promised to take care of myself and asked you to hang on and grow. You were a little, tiny part of me afterall.
But this is all gone.
I physically felt your journey of escaping me. I felt it in every possible manner, in every graphic manner. I did feel it, see it, and it killed a part of me. I felt how you slipped from me, and I just watched helplessly. I know I say I didn't get much attached; we didn't have the time to get acquainted, but I loved your idea in me. I loved how you made me feel. I loved you..


"When the tears come streaming down your face 'cause you lose something you can't replace"

But, alas..

I will try to let go... I know it must have been for the best of both of us..
I know most people tell me it is OK, and very ordinary.. I KNOW so too.. I know that they brush it aside as it was not a big deal, you were so tiny and almost invisible to the naked eye.. I know they think am crazy for being sad at times, as they say I didn't stay with you for long, "I didn't get enough time to be attached" ..
But I was. I was attached.. You were my little tiny thingie.. You were not even a thing nor an "it". . You were my little tiny tiny tiny baby.. You were a big deal.. You were awaited for..

"Tears stream, down your face,
I promise you I'll learn from my mistakes,
Tears stream, down your face,
And I..."

 I know you will reincarnate in the future, come back to my weary uterus in a new healthy form.. as a stronger baby who will listen to me this time and cling so hard and will never depart.. For now, I am a bit sorrowful... I dun blame you, you are just as helpless as I am.. But do come back.
As for me, someday, I will eventually heal..
But I will never forget.
I love you..

"lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try.. To fix you"

____
All quotes are from Coldplay's "Fix you"