A Confession

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need"

There is something I need to get it out loud and scream it into the void. And so, this is a public diary entry in the void, in a silent sphere.

A friend told me the need of dividing pain.. تجزئة الألم.. And this is what I need.. Breaking it into little particles and molecules till it dissolves. .

So, here it is:
I had a miscarriage.


I sometimes think I was all day-dreaming and I didn't even get pregnant in the first place. Here are the facts: I didn't see it on that dark screen, I didn't hear a heartbeat. I try to convince myself it never existed. The whole experience didn't happen. But at other times I know I am just a liar. I felt you, I knew you were there. I even talked to you sometimes (crazy as it sounds) and patted you, and asked you to cling onto me even harder. I did give you a nickname and promised to take care of myself and asked you to hang on and grow. You were a little, tiny part of me afterall.
But this is all gone.
I physically felt your journey of escaping me. I felt it in every possible manner, in every graphic manner. I did feel it, see it, and it killed a part of me. I felt how you slipped from me, and I just watched helplessly. I know I say I didn't get much attached; we didn't have the time to get acquainted, but I loved your idea in me. I loved how you made me feel. I loved you..


"When the tears come streaming down your face 'cause you lose something you can't replace"

But, alas..

I will try to let go... I know it must have been for the best of both of us..
I know most people tell me it is OK, and very ordinary.. I KNOW so too.. I know that they brush it aside as it was not a big deal, you were so tiny and almost invisible to the naked eye.. I know they think am crazy for being sad at times, as they say I didn't stay with you for long, "I didn't get enough time to be attached" ..
But I was. I was attached.. You were my little tiny thingie.. You were not even a thing nor an "it". . You were my little tiny tiny tiny baby.. You were a big deal.. You were awaited for..

"Tears stream, down your face,
I promise you I'll learn from my mistakes,
Tears stream, down your face,
And I..."

 I know you will reincarnate in the future, come back to my weary uterus in a new healthy form.. as a stronger baby who will listen to me this time and cling so hard and will never depart.. For now, I am a bit sorrowful... I dun blame you, you are just as helpless as I am.. But do come back.
As for me, someday, I will eventually heal..
But I will never forget.
I love you..

"lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try.. To fix you"

____
All quotes are from Coldplay's "Fix you" 

My body is a cage

For the second time, second day in a row, I wake up feeling drained. Got enough sleep, woke up early, but I can hardly hold my head. So drowsy. So drained. I blame in my head the medicine course that have been messing me up for the last three months. I feel the need to do things, but my body fails me. It affects my mood, my concentration. The constant, endless, yet meaningless fatigue is drowning me.
I feel so heavy.
I feel like drowning. 

Sanctuary

I simply missed here. My sanctuary. I hate how I always refrained from writing. I miss Writing. I miss my blog, my secret loud voice.

Am back. As much as I can. Am back. 

A Reason to come back!

Salute to the tapestry of events that exquisitely culminated in a sublime plan. Salute to the moments that flew by to be knitted in a longer journey leading to the light and meaning. Salute to all little details, and bigger ones, creating our own customized memories and important dates marking our personal calendars, meaningless to the world, yet meaning the world to our hearts. Salute to the butterflies who stayed with us when we least believed in them, yet they absolutely believed in us. Salute to the fairies that we thought had been lost and already died, yet they were reborn with our laughter. Salute to the magic that persists, to our strength that was weakened yet refilled, to our childishness that is recounted. Salute to the "adventure that is out there" and the blimp full of history.

"The wheel breaks the butterfly*"

النهاردة قمت تايهة جدا. هو الحقيقة، مش النهاردة بس. امبارح، وأول أول.  بتحرك بطريقة اوتوماتيكية بحتة. كل حاجة باهتة ومن غير طعم. وأنا تايهة تماما. اتنقلت من فيلم للتاني، لحد الفيلم التالت شغلت ربع ساعة فيه..وقفلته. ايه معنى اننا نصحى ونروح الشغل ونرجع نكمل شغل.. ونتفرج لنا على حلقة من مسلسل حافظينه ونسمّع جمله ونضحك ضحكة خايبة، واحنا متكتفين أوي كده؟ واحنا روحنا تقيلة أوي كده؟

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تعرف؟ فتحت مرتين مواقع من بتوع السفر. معرفتش أكتب عايزة أروح فين. قفلت وشغلت فيلم تاني (أو تالت أو رابع) بياكل شوية من الوقت...بياخد تركيزي لمدة ساعة ونص ولا ساعتين..وخلاص. ونرجع تاني لأول الخط. توهان.  بفتح موقع للسفر تاني، بلاقي تذاكر غالية جدا لأماكن معرفهاش. بقفله لأن مفيش حاجة محمساني لأي حاجة. بدور تاني وأكتب:(تذاكر طيران رخيصة من مصر) بتكعبل في موقع كنت نسياه..وبيقولي عايزة تروحي فين. ينفع أقوله اي حتة..اي حتة غير هنا؟ فعلا أي حتة.. شفتلي كام تذكرة سعرها معقولين، ابتديت أفكر في الفيزا، وحاولت أطنش الجملة السخيفة بتاعة "وحتسافري كده لوحدك؟ من غير سبب كده؟" وقفلت الموقع تاني. يونان ايه اللي أروحها بس؟! بقفل الكمبيوتر وأقلب مابين القنوات الكتير وملقيتش ولا علامة ولا أي
حاجة تشدني. ه

. 

عطلت. روحي عطلانة.. حركتها تقيلة. زي التايهة اللي كل الأسهم لكل طريق ملخبطاها فمبتتحركش من مكانها. أنا كل أفكاري متلخبطة. كل حاجة أنا كنت عيزاها كانت واضحة جدا...كنت عرفاها جدا..دلوقتي، مفيش! كل ترتيباتي للشغل، المستقبل.. اتنعكشت! عارفة ومش عارفة. كل حاجة دخلت في بعضها. كل حاجة مبقتش واثقة منها. فمبقتش عارفة اتحرك، زي اللي روحه عطلت بالظبط... وكل حتة فيك بتشدك لتحت، زي الغريق.ه

.

 أنا كل اللي عيزاه فعلا دلوقتي..اني أمشي، أمشي كتير أوي وأبعد. عايزة أقوم أحط حياتي كلها في شنطة وأمشي وأمشي وأمشي.. أمشي لحد ما كل حتة فيا تتكسر وتطلع كل تنتوفة وجع...وأمشي لحد ما كل حتة فيا تخف.. لحد ما أوصل لأبـعـد نقطة، وأقرب نقطة لروحي... لحد أما ألاقيني. ه

.

.

تمت

_____

*Title from "Paradise" by Coldplay

What if...

"What if we just acknowledged that we have a bad relationship, and we stuck it out, anyway? What if we admitted that we make each other nuts, we fights constantly..., but we can't live wihout each other, so we deal with it? And then we could spend our lives together.. in misery, but happy not to be apart..!"

.

(From "Eat Pray Love")

Strategy..

What you need to do right now:

1-Draw a circle for you to stand in.

2-Surround yourself with walls of protection.

3-Pluck the roots of every other space that doesn't belong to you anymore.

4-Substitute whatever robbed you of your voice

5-Be your own solace.